Podcast

Joan says:

This is a “must listen to” podcast.

I learned a lot.

Ryan, your candid reflections helped me tremendously. I appreciate your honesty, kindness, and humility.

I sensed some sadness about your children. We may share “distance from our children.” The distance in my family took form emotionally and geographically. Your distance, if it exists at all, is probably more geographic. I’m not asking, I’m breaching the topic because I’m wondering: “When will we study the impact of Mixed Orientation Marriages on our children?”

We need to broaden our conversations, as you and Kirstin have done, to explore the sensitive topics, the issues that might either produce heartache or empathy.

My gay ex-husband threatened me early in our marriage. He told me that he would take my children if I divorced him, not necessarily because of our marriage problems, but because he introduced me to secret criminal activity in his family. He said that his father had relationships with judges. My ex-husband’s family both exposed themselves, and then Gaslighted, forcing me to stay in a horrible marriage. It was chaotic to say the least. I’m thinking that my in-laws probably wanted the appearance of a happy family that included grandchildren, thus the need for their gay son to marry a woman like me. My in-laws were very controlling. They unfairly controlled both their son and myself for their own pretty presentation to the world.

Almost 20 years post-divorce and 19 years after by my daughters disclosed to me that their father is gay, with the absence of a single meaningful honest conversation between my ex-husband and I, our family fractured when I had a nervous breakdown. We lived a complicated family life, so it’s not surprising that someone, anyone of us, might have suffered a breakdown.

My two daughters had and still have no patience with my need for answers from their father rather than performance art. They want me to “move on” without my ex-husband having “the talk” with me. I have not been allowed to even ask questions. No one wants to talk.

My daughters, their husbands, and their combined families’ 8 children, left my son and his family of five, and myself, 8 years ago. We have lost too many years together because my ex-husband doesn’t want to engage with me in conversation about the hot topics in our marriage.

It’s possible that what blocks my family’s conversation is much necessary gay advocacy coupled with my daughter’s commitment to protecting their father. In other words, my daughters support their father’s desire to remain silent.

Here, in the Bay Area, we are progressive, but we are still experiencing many hiccups and some excesses.

And, I know that the criminal aspect of my ex-husband’s family weighs heavy, perhaps it is the heaviest deterrent to healing our family breach, but it’s all scrambled together.

The crimes have ceased, but “the talk” remains outstanding.

I believe that SSN was born in conversations like this podcast. SSN and Our Path were conceived when Amity met and talked with our gay brothers and sisters.

Thank you, Kirstin, for asking the tough questions, for pressing and digging deeper, and especially for asking the risky sensitive questions. You represent the experience of Straight Spouses with heart and candor. Your smarts help us so much!

I worry for our children. They are our hope for the future. And, I have 11 wonderful grandchildren who need clarity. I’m afraid it’s too late for my children, but if I have a gay grandchild or more than one, I want them to have an easier time than their grandfather and I, our children, and their mates.

There is a ripple effect to all of this, and we all want a positive transformational way forward.

This work, your work, is so important. You can impact the future of so many you will never meet.

Kristin Kalbli says:

September 25, 2023 at 7:42 pm

Thank you Joan, for your heartfelt comments. We are so glad you found this episode helpful. There are more on the horizon we think will continue to help, so be on the lookout. And thank you so much for listening.

– OurVoices Podcast

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