S5 Ep 5: A Former Closeted Narcissist in Recovery Answers Your Questions

Guest: Ryan King

Ryan King returns to the podcast to answer your most common questions about closeted narcissists, their motivations and behaviors. He speaks from his own experience and his experience working with other closeted, married (to women) men. He uses what he’s observed to bring clarity and validation to Straight Partners. 

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13 responses to “S5 Ep 5: A Former Closeted Narcissist in Recovery Answers Your Questions”

  1. Esther says:

    My husband is gay and can’t admit it
    He admitted he is more attracted to me

  2. Typical Confused straight spouse says:

    Amazing podcast. Thank you.

  3. Sarah says:

    How is the gay spouse on the forum reading all the comments of those deceived by their spouse?

    • Kristin Kalbli says:

      The forum is open to the public. Although you can have an alias, anyone can read and comment. OurPath provides other online spaces that are private and confidential. In order to access those spaces, someone seeking support must fill out a Support Request.

  4. Amy says:

    OMG, I could have written this, everything Ryan said was exactly what my ex husband was saying and doing. This was both validating and triggering. I wish this resource was available 10 years ago…

  5. Amy says:

    Maybe in Ryan’s world no gay man wants anything to do with closeted gay men, but I can assure you that there is a VERY large community of men on the DL. My husband was incredibly popular on the Craigslist M4M board, he even had other men on the DL taking out ads for him to contact them. Hardly a week went by that my ex husband wasn’t hooking up with someone. He traveled and had contacts everywhere he did business. 7500+ emails over 5 years confirmed how active he was, and that’s only the account I had access too.

  6. Cathy says:

    Wow! Thank you Ryan. This is the first time I’ve heard you speak and I am blown away. I am barely a quarter of the way through the podcast so far but you are describing my former 32 year marriage to a tee. Amazing. I really do appreciate your willingness to be candid.

  7. Greg says:

    Ryan, great podcast. I’d love to connect with you privately to ask some candid questions.

  8. Arantza says:

    Hi Ryan, thank you for both your participations in this podcast. I live in France and tomorrow I ’ll be in Lyon. Quite out of the blue, i know. My husband is gay and I would be happy to be able to understand the other side of the coin, if there’s any…. Feel free to contact me. Thank you very much

  9. Tania Prosser says:

    I have to say in the fist podcast by Ryan I was angry with him but the second I was thankful . And we have same taste in men my first love was Leif Garret and adore Chris Hemsworth (AUSSIE AS WELL.) My husband still has not admitted to been gay even though he told me earlier in our relationship he was a crossdresser and had thought of gender change but said he had 3 yrs of questioning it and being gay .but as soon as we married no sex and it has been 2 yrs.Have begged for a true answer but nothing .Thankyou Ryan for aleast coming out to your wife thankyou

  10. Joan says:

    This is a “must listen to” podcast.

    I learned a lot.

    Ryan, your candid reflections helped me tremendously. I appreciate your honesty, kindness, and humility.

    I sensed some sadness about your children. We may share “distance from our children.” The distance in my family took form emotionally and geographically. Your distance, if it exists at all, is probably more geographic. I’m not asking, I’m breaching the topic because I’m wondering: “When will we study the impact of Mixed Orientation Marriages on our children?”

    We need to broaden our conversations, as you and Kirstin have done, to explore the sensitive topics, the issues that might either produce heartache or empathy.

    My gay ex-husband threatened me early in our marriage. He told me that he would take my children if I divorced him, not necessarily because of our marriage problems, but because he introduced me to secret criminal activity in his family. He said that his father had relationships with judges. My ex-husband’s family both exposed themselves, and then Gaslighted, forcing me to stay in a horrible marriage. It was chaotic to say the least. I’m thinking that my in-laws probably wanted the appearance of a happy family that included grandchildren, thus the need for their gay son to marry a woman like me. My in-laws were very controlling. They unfairly controlled both their son and myself for their own pretty presentation to the world.

    Almost 20 years post-divorce and 19 years after by my daughters disclosed to me that their father is gay, with the absence of a single meaningful honest conversation between my ex-husband and I, our family fractured when I had a nervous breakdown. We lived a complicated family life, so it’s not surprising that someone, anyone of us, might have suffered a breakdown.

    My two daughters had and still have no patience with my need for answers from their father rather than performance art. They want me to “move on” without my ex-husband having “the talk” with me. I have not been allowed to even ask questions. No one wants to talk.

    My daughters, their husbands, and their combined families’ 8 children, left my son and his family of five, and myself, 8 years ago. We have lost too many years together because my ex-husband doesn’t want to engage with me in conversation about the hot topics in our marriage.

    It’s possible that what blocks my family’s conversation is much necessary gay advocacy coupled with my daughter’s commitment to protecting their father. In other words, my daughters support their father’s desire to remain silent.

    Here, in the Bay Area, we are progressive, but we are still experiencing many hiccups and some excesses.

    And, I know that the criminal aspect of my ex-husband’s family weighs heavy, perhaps it is the heaviest deterrent to healing our family breach, but it’s all scrambled together.

    The crimes have ceased, but “the talk” remains outstanding.

    I believe that SSN was born in conversations like this podcast. SSN and Our Path were conceived when Amity met and talked with our gay brothers and sisters.

    Thank you, Kirstin, for asking the tough questions, for pressing and digging deeper, and especially for asking the risky sensitive questions. You represent the experience of Straight Spouses with heart and candor. Your smarts help us so much!

    I worry for our children. They are our hope for the future. And, I have 11 wonderful grandchildren who need clarity. I’m afraid it’s too late for my children, but if I have a gay grandchild or more than one, I want them to have an easier time than their grandfather and I, our children, and their mates.

    There is a ripple effect to all of this, and we all want a positive transformational way forward.

    This work, your work, is so important. You can impact the future of so many you will never meet.

    • Kristin Kalbli says:

      Thank you Joan, for your heartfelt comments. We are so glad you found this episode helpful. There are more on the horizon we think will continue to help, so be on the lookout. And thank you so much for listening.

      – OurVoices Podcast

  11. anon says:

    Jesus… right on!!!! I am so amazed how accurate this is.

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