05 – Resources for Straight Partners

ln two million marriages, one spouse is gay, lesbian, or bisexual. Having a spouse or parent disclose his or her same-sex attraction is a shattering experience fraught with pain, confusion, anger, and a profound loss of self-esteem. Amity Pierce Buxton spotlights this exploding phenomenon and reports constructive coping strategies that spouses and children have used to resolve problems of sexual damage, family breakdown, deception, and homophobia. Illustrated throughout by riveting personal narratives, this expanded edition of The Other Side of the Closet traces the family’s journey from initial trauma to eventual transformation. This invaluable source of information for spouses, families, and professionals is based on Dr. Buxton’s eight years of research, including interviews with 1,000 straight spouses and children, her own personal experience, and her counseling work with spouses of gay, lesbian, and bisexual partners.

How to Survive Learning That Your Partner Might Be LGBT+

TEN STEPS FOR DISTANCING (adapted)

Author Louella Christy Komuves was in a happy marriage that lasted 29 years until everything fell apart. Her husband, five years older than she, had silently struggled with his sexuality his entire life and finally made the decision to come out as a gay man. After the devastating collapse of her marriage, Komuves sought to find stories of other straight spouses with whom she could relate. Upon finding very limited resources, she set out to shape her own experience of picking up the pieces of her shattered life – with the help of her faith, family, and friends. Would she ever be able to trust another man and have a marriage of love, respect, and friendship? More importantly she wants others to see her story as a resource should they ever find themselves in a similar situation. Perhaps this book could be the help for someone else that she herself needed.

In A Different Kind of Love: Heterosexual Wife, Homosexual Husband, Louella Christy Komuves shares her story and reveals her heart and soul. This book is her testament to life and love.

Hope was miserable, imprisoned in a loveless marriage to a dangerous fraud. She had four small children and no money, but was determined to get them out. While it would take years to break free, Hope was relentlessly committed to building a new life and the future she and her kids deserved. Cover Wife is a true story of how Hope emerged from utter darkness to fight for herself and her four children through more than two decades of rage, wrath and retribution. It’s also a promise of hope, support, and encouragement for those who find themselves on this path. Author: Suzanne Hope

When presumably heterosexual spouses turn out to be gay, lesbian, bisexual, or transgender, the unexpected revelation overshadows its devastating impact on their straight wives and husbands. Unseen-Unheard opens the window on their remarkable journeys from trauma to transformation. Authors: Dr. Amity Pierce Buxton and R.L. Pinley.

This book illustrates the difficulties inherent when a wife or girlfriend finds out her man has had or wants to have sexual contact with other men. But many times, the man is not gay or even bisexual. Of course, some men with gay sexual interests are gay men in a process of self-discovery; they are “coming out.” These desires may only reflect a different side of a man’s sexuality or some response to childhood trauma or experiences they have not fully processed. Here Joe Kort and Alexander P. Morgan make the distinction between gay men and “straight men with gay interests” clearer to women who want to know how they can overcome these revelations. The authors explain the many reasons why straight men may be drawn to gay sex; how to tell whether a man is gay, straight, or bisexual; and what the various options are for these couples, who can often go on to have very fulfilling marriages.

Carol and Jim were high school sweethearts who married in their early twenties. Thirty years and two children later, Jim announced to his wife that he was homosexual. A fundamentalist Christian, he had been leading a double life for years. In an effort to sort out her pain and confusion, Carol Grever sought out other heterosexual women, of all ages, ethnicities, and educational backgrounds, who were married to gay men. The stories she uncovered examine their coping strategies and form the basis of this manual for healing. Author: Carol Grever.

One of the most traumatic events that can happen in a marriage is discovering your mate is gay. When Your Spouse Comes Out: A Straight Mate’s Recovery Manual is a comprehensive exploration of the trauma that provides practical steps that successful individuals have taken to keep this event from ruining their future. This guide offers solid therapeutic techniques for self-help and presents poignant true stories that illustrate that the damage is not irreparable. The book examines the various reactions to the coming-out event, the personal challenges and obstacles often experienced, and shares lessons learned and some of the secrets of transformation. Authors: Carol Grever and Deborah Bowman.

After a fairy-tale courtship in 1980s New York City, Maggie’s young marriage shatters when her “perfect” husband–a star editor at The Wall Street Journal–is diagnosed with and dies of AIDS, leaving her with two young children in a city electrified by paranoia about the new epidemic. Devastated by his betrayal, Maggie struggles to protect herself and her children from stigma, keeping the circumstances of her husband’s death a secret for nearly twenty-five years. It is only when a journey of self-discovery aligns with her children’s coming of age and a new world of sexual tolerance that she can finally embrace the truth and set herself free. Author: Maggie Kneip.

It all began with so much promise. Dina Matos was a responsible and civic-minded young woman who fell in love with the passion of political action. When Jim McGreevey walked into her life, he appeared to be a kind and loving man, someone with whom she could build a life based on shared ideals, a strong spiritual commitment, and a desire to make a difference in the world. Beyond their initial chemistry, Dina Matos was attracted by Jim McGreevey’s principles and his unwavering devotion to his work. She didn’t know that his life, and thus their marriage, were built on a foundation of lies; that his past was littered with casual sexual encounters in seedy bookstores and public parks; or that, by his own admission, he began an adulterous affair with another man while she was in the hospital awaiting the birth of their child. “Could I have known,” she asks. “How could I have known.”

Straight Partners describe what it’s like to experience their partner coming out as LGBT+. Author: Sarah Bell.