In brief: kindly, truthfully, respectfully, and transparently. According to the Pew Research Center, “For lesbians, gay men, bisexuals and transgender people, realizing their sexual orientation or gender identity and sharing that information with family and friends is often a gradual process that can unfold over a series of years.” It is important to remember that the years of your life it takes you to come to terms with your sexuality are also years of your partner’s life. You may have been grappling with your sexual/gender identity for weeks, months, or years; if you have not disclosed this to your partner, they have not had nearly as long to come to terms with your sexuality as you have. All the burden, pressure and fear you may have felt while you were “in the closet” is immediately transferred to your partner upon disclosure, and they will need time and space to process this information, what it means about their past history with you, your family, your children, and what it means for the future of the relationship. The more compassion, respect and honesty you can bring to these ongoing conversations, the better for all involved. And the sooner you are able to make this disclosure, the sooner everyone in the family can live honest, authentic lives as all people deserve.
Please refer to our Resources for the LGBT+ Partner for our comprehensive Guide to Coming as LGB to Your Spouse or Partner and our Guide to Coming Out as Transgender to Your Spouse or Partner for more information.
According to the most current research, sexual orientation is influenced by a mixture of genetic and environmental factors, although the causes of gender dysphoria are still being investigated. As such, there is nothing anyone can do to change another person’s sexual orientation or gender identity. These are the result of a complex combination of innate, biological, environmental and subjective factors, and only the individual in question can determine how they want to label their own sexuality or gender identity. Bisexuality, homosexuality, and sexual fluidity are normal human sexualities, and part of the diverse fabric of human sexual expression. That said, it can take some time for an LGBT+ Partner to understand and fully embrace their sexual orientation or gender identity. During that time their sexuality or gender may seem to be in flux, but that does not mean it’s “changeable.”
Sexual Orientation Change Efforts (SOCE) such as Conversion Therapy and Reparative Therapy are attempts to change the sexual orientation of gay, lesbian or bisexual people to a heterosexual orientation. Some of these attempts happen without the consent of the individual, and others claim to have the explicit consent of the individual. Either way, Conversion Therapy is considered to be a widely discredited practice. According to the American Psychological Association, “there is insufficient evidence to support the use of psychological interventions to change sexual orientation,” and “some individuals reported being harmed by [SOCE]. Distress and depression were exacerbated. Belief in the hope of sexual orientation change followed by the failure of the treatment was identified as a significant cause of distress and negative self-image.” Additionally, SOCE can give the Straight Partner a false sense of hope, which ultimately deepens the feeling of betrayal when SOCE fail. For these reasons, OurPath actively discourages SOCE, which ultimately harm the individual in question and increase, rather than decrease the stigma against LGBT+ people.
OurPath does not condone careless disclosure or “outing,” (publicly disclosing an LGBT+ Partner’s sexual orientation or gender identity before they are ready), especially for malicious or spiteful reasons. The repercussions of outing can be traumatic for entire families, including children, and can end up backfiring, with negative consequences for all involved. OurPath is here to help you find ways to cope constructively with your anger. Outing creates more problems than it solves.
That said, Straight Partners and Partners of Trans People need, deserve and have a right to support from others. The closet is an isolating and traumatic place, and it is not healthy to be in there alone, especially when the closet you are in is someone else’s. Support is critical to the mental and emotional well-being of anyone navigating a major change in their relationship like this. In order to get that necessary support, Straight Partners and Partners of Trans People must be able to reach out to someone. We recommend negotiating with your LGBT+ Partner (if possible) to tell a small circle of agreed upon confidants: a counselor, therapist or spiritual leader, and a close friend or a family member.
The question of disclosing to family or a wider community invites other negotiations. Straight Partners may choose to remain in the closet with their LGBT+ Partner for a time while the questions of whom to tell and how to tell them are considered by the couple. Coming out to any children, family, friends, faith communities and colleagues are different processes and the consequences of coming out publicly (family, social, communal, financial, emotional) must be weighed carefully.
Ideally, a couple will navigate this coming out process as a team. But that is not always possible. Disclosing your partner’s LGBT+ status is even more complicated if your LGBT+ Partner is not willing to negotiate in good faith, is hostile to the Straight Partner’s need for support, if there is abuse, (physical or psychological), gaslighting, trauma or infidelity that threatens the health of you or your family or threatens to expose the LGBT+ in some unflattering way. In these cases, Straight Partners and Partners of Trans People need to make their own decisions about who to tell in order to get the necessary guidance and support they need to protect themselves and their families. But be wary of any potential legal ramifications of public disclosures.
Over the longer term, many Straight Partners and Partners of Trans People have intense and deeply personal stories that need and deserve telling in a larger context once time and distance have brought new perspectives to their experiences. Just as every LGBT+ Partner has a story, every Straight Partner or Partner of a Trans Person has a story. We all get to decide to whom we tell our own stories and when. In telling our stories, we heal each other. Check out the OurVoices Podcast to hear more Straight Partners’ and Partners of Trans Peoples’ stories.
Not if you and your LGBT+ Partner don’t want one. OurPath does not take a position on the particular path an individual Straight Partner or Partner of a Trans Person takes when they discover their partner is LGBT+. For some, divorce will be an immediate choice. For others, it may take significant time, several months to a year or more, to determine if divorce is the right decision. About 1/3 of couples will divorce right away upon disclosure or discovery and another 1/3 will divorce within three years. Of the remaining 1/3, 50% of those couples will remain in a long-term Mixed Orientation Relationship. Regardless of the path taken, OurPath supports Straight Partners and Partners of Trans People in discovering the path that is authentic for them and best for their families.
Sometimes, but even when they do, they can be challenging. While the average duration of Mixed Orientation Relationship (MORs) is about three years, some gay/straight couples or trans/non-trans couples do stay together and make it work. Sometimes the reasons are primarily financial or familial (wanting to keep the family together), and sometimes the couple genuinely enjoys their life together. Each couple has to establish the boundaries, terms and parameters of their own relationship. This requires honesty, respect and transparency and a commitment from both partners to meet the needs of their partner.
Both partners may find it helpful to make a list of non-negotiable or “deal-breaker” guidelines for behavior. Is there an expectation of fidelity, or will the marriage be open? If the marriage is open, what are the rules for engagement with sexual partners outside the relationship (e.g., “no sexual activity in the family home,” “both parents must be home for holidays and birthdays,” etc.). Issues that are important to you now may change over time, so keep the dialogue open and transparent. What one partner finds unacceptable in the beginning, may relax over time. Conversely, a behavior you thought you could live with may wind up being not so tolerable in reality. Revisit the rules as needed.
OurPath encourages couples wishing to remain together to seek counseling, both as a couple and as individuals, and to join various support groups, both as a couple and as individuals. OurPath has a social media group specifically for Straight Partners remaining in MORs. More and more, Mixed Orientation Partners are being public about their relationship status. You are not alone!
It is completely normal to feel devastated, disoriented, angry, depressed, confused and lost. It is acceptable to feel whatever you are feeling at each moment of this process. And feelings will change as the situation evolves. Focus on your daily needs, what is in front of you, the decisions you need to make right now. Let the long term, bigger decisions wait until you feel ready to make them. And in the meantime, consider seeking professional counseling or medical assistance. Remember that this is a journey. It is going to take some time to process the new information about your partner’s LGBT+ status, and even more time to navigate what that will mean for your relationship and your family. You will find a new normal, but it will take time, so be patient.
