First, breathe. OurPath is here to help, and you will be OK.
The disclosure or discovery that a partner is LGBT+ is often a very confusing and highly emotional experience. For the Straight Partner or Partner of a Trans Person, it is often as if their world has been turned upside down, and the experience can be even more complex if they have children with their LGBT+ partner. There is no rule book for the Straight Partner experience, and no one path works for everyone. Getting support is a good first step. OurPath can provide peer Support Contacts and virtual support meetings, as well as other resources. In addition to the support OurPath offers, individual and/or couple’s therapy with a competent therapist is a good place to get support.
Perhaps you have found evidence of your partner’s same-sex attraction (SSA) or interest in dressing/living as the opposite sex/gender. Suspecting a partner may be LGBT+ and receiving true disclosure from an LGBT+ Partner are two different experiences. Not knowing a partner’s LGBT+ identity, or an LGBT+ partner’s denial of their authentic identity, can cause severe distress and confusion. Although some websites and books provide checklists for discerning if your spouse is LGBT+, sexual orientation and gender identity are often complicated, highly subjective, and dependent on the individual(s). At best, these resources can lead you to ask helpful questions of yourself and your partner.
Clandestine investigation (such as employing a private investigator, searching mobile phones or using spyware) can lead to more confusion, and animosity, so proceed with caution and check the applicable laws. Instead, OurPath recommends asking thoughtful, honest questions in transparent ways. Couple’s therapy can be a good arena in which to do this, especially if safety is a concern. With that said, be aware that you may never get confirmation of your partner’s LGBT+ identity/status. You may need to be prepared to make decisions based on partial information.
The term “bisexual” is used to describe a person who experiences emotional, romantic and/or sexual attractions to, or engages in romantic or sexual relationships with, more than one sex or gender. The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention reported in a 2016 publication that 1.3 percent of women and 1.9 percent of men said they were “homosexual, gay, or lesbian,” and that 5.5 percent of women and 2 percent of men said they were bisexual. These finding indicate that bisexual people may comprise the largest single group in the LGB community for both women and men. Nevertheless, many believe that bisexuality does not really exist, and bisexual people experience bi-invisibility or erasure and bi-negativity from both the lesbian and gay communities and the heterosexual community, which may explain evidence suggesting higher rates of health disparities bisexuals experience compared to either.
Additional research found that bisexual people are significantly less candid about their sexual orientation with family and friends.
If your partner tells you they are bisexual, you may experience any number of emotions, from shock and anger, to confusion and curiosty. Bisexual attractions are complex and may lean more heavily toward one particular gender. It may take time for you and your bisexual partner to assess the balance of their sexual attractions, but it may be possible for straight/bisexual relationships to work successfully between understanding partners. Redefining your relationship may involve a great deal of patience, creativity and open-mindedness, but the bond between straight/bi partners can make for fulfilling partnerships. For more information about bisexuality, check out bi.org.
This is not uncommon. Some LGBT+ partners initially tell their Straight Partners that they are bisexual because they are still working through their own feelings and desires during their coming out process. It may take time for them to achieve clarity and acceptance around their own homosexuality. Unfortunately, some lesbian and gay individuals may initially come out as bisexual to their Straight Partners as a way to “soften the blow” of disclosure, or to mitigate a sense of guilt, without realizing this adds to the Straight Partner’s confusion and sense of betrayal if the relationship ultimately ends. The Straight Partner may hold out false hope that the relationship is salvageable if they believe their partner is truly bisexual, when in fact, their partner is gay or lesbian.
While the labels and orientations are still in question, focus instead on the behavior of your LGBT+ partner. Are they keeping you informed of their own process? Are they engaging in constructive, honest communication around their feelings and desires? Are they listening to and respecting your thoughts and feelings as the Straight Partner, and as an equal partner in the relationship? Are they maintaining an emotional or physical relationship with a person of their same sex? Are they providing additional information to family members and friends?
If they are, that’s useful information. If they aren’t, that’s also useful information.
While the last few years have seen a dramatic rise in people identifying as transgender or nonbinary (identifying as neither male nor female), the majority of trans people who transition at midlife are MtF (male to female). When a transgender person transitions at midlife, often it is after marriage or partnership and families have been formed. This transition has profound impacts on the Partner of the trans person and on any children they may have. The overwhelming majority of Partners of Trans People that OurPath supports are straight women whose spouses have transitioned or are transitioning from men to trans-women. However, OurPath also supports men whose spouses are transitioning from women to trans-men.
When a partner transitions genders, everyone in the family is impacted. In order for the entire family to find a healthy new normal, the Partner of the Trans Person needs a neutral and supportive space to explore their own complex and shifting emotions regarding their partner’s ongoing transition. Questions of identity and sexuality will come up for the PTP. They are attempting to integrate their trans partner’s new gender identity, behaviors and appearance into their marriage, family and future. These changes occur on a continual basis, and the Partner of the trans person needs a non-judgmental space to process and adjust to these changes, and explore all the experiences and emotions of the transition process. Not all partnerships survive a gender transition, although some do. OurPath is here to support Partners of Trans People no matter what happens in their relationship, and we have resources specifically geared toward Partners of Trans People.
Only if you choose to identify that way. Many Partners of Trans People grapple with questions around their own sexuality and identity when their partner transitions gender. Some women do choose to stay with their trans partner and incorporate their trans partner’s identity into their relationship and family life. They choose to “love the person, not the gender.” They may choose to identify as a lesbian, or as queer.
For other women, identifying as lesbian or queer is not an option. The gender of their partner is important for their own identity, sexuality and authentic sexual expression. They “love the person and the gender.” Their heterosexuality is innate to them, and they remain attracted to men and chose to continue to identify as straight. This may or may not lead to a separation or divorce from their trans partner.
Whatever identities the PTP ultimately chooses to adopt or reaffirm for themselves in response to their partner’s transition, it is important to recognize that questions (and even crises) of identity and sexuality are common for the Partners of Trans People. OurPath supports and affirms PTP in exploring and finding the relationship path that most aligns with their own authentic values and identity.
Men who have sex with men (MSM) is a term that dates back to at least 1990. According to the National Institutes of Health, the acronym MSM (and more recently, WSW, or women who have sex with women), was used in medical research to get around the problem that the stigma associated with AIDS created in getting accurate information. The AIDS stigma was unfairly attached to gay men and lesbians and that association impeded accurate data gathering, which further impeded getting medical assistance to those affected by HIV/AIDS.
Today the terms are controversial because they imply a rejection of a gay or lesbian identity (and the broader LGBT+ community) by the person engaging in the same sex sexual behavior.
Still more controversially, other professionals argue that men can have sex with men (or WSW) and still identify as straight or heterosexual. They believe men are more sexually fluid than our culture acknowledges. Whether or not this theory is accurate, this can be very confusing for the Straight Partner who is trying to understand the implications of their partner’s same-sex sexual behavior for their own relationship.
While labels and identities are still in flux, focus on behavior. Is there still a healthy intimate connection between both partners in the relationship? If yes, then the partner acting on same-sex attraction may indeed be bi-sexual. If no, then it is possible the non-straight partner is not heterosexual. Either way, it may be time to explore these issues more deeply in a therapeutic setting.
It’s not common, but it’s not rare either. Learning your partner is LGBT+ may instigate a period of self-examination and discovery for the Straight Partner or Partner of a Trans Person in a multitude of ways, which may include a reexamination of their own sexuality. Sometimes the Straight Partner or Partner of a Trans Person will question their sexuality at some point during or after a Mixed Orientation Relationship, especially if intimacy between the couple is fraught or difficult. Alternatively, the Straight Partner may re-examine their own sexuality after disclosure. Partners of Trans People may question their sexuality in response to the gender transition of their trans partner, wondering if they can be sexually attracted to the same gender. Finally, some Straight Partners or Partners of Trans People are so scarred by trauma that they have a hard time trusting members of the opposite sex. They may choose to date or experiment romantically or sexually with members of the same sex during their healing.
I’m bisexual, but I’m in a committed relationship with my opposite-sex partner, who just told me they are gay. I’m devastated because this may mean the end of our relationship. Can OurPath help me too?
Yes. While the overwhelming majority of the people we support identify as heterosexual, there are some bisexual people who have gone through the “Straight Partner experience.” We’re here for you. Please fill out a Support Request form for more information.
