Absolutely! Straight Partners and Partners of Trans People can and do survive, go on to live fulfilling lives, find loving relationships and thrive. But it doesn’t happen overnight. There is no rulebook, and no one single path for navigating this experience. Nor is there a “right” or a “wrong” way to grieve, cope and heal. OurPath is here to help you process the multiple stages of grieving, coping and healing, from the acute, first stages of discovery or disclosure, through the middle stages of decision making and navigating change, to the final stages of acceptance and healing. You will survive, and you can even thrive.
Many Straight Partners and Partners of Trans People experience severe shock after discovery or disclosure. Acquiring unexpected material information about their relationship that was previously hidden can create severe distress. They wonder how they missed the signs, or if they saw signs, how they misinterpreted them. They question if they ever really knew who their partner was, and they question the authenticity of their entire relationship (“Was it all a lie? A fraud? Was I used as a beard?”).
If there has been infidelity, whether one time or repeatedly over the course of the relationship, Straight Partners experience “betrayal trauma” just as they would have with unfaithful heterosexual partners, only there is the added confusion of not knowing who their partners are on a fundamental level. It’s not just the behavior of infidelity that must be processed, it’s the very identity of their partners that must be processed.
Because of this, Straight Partners and Partners of Trans People suffer a blow to their confidence in being able to relate to people. They question their own judgment. They wonder if they will ever be able to discern truth from lies, or authenticity from deception again. They are experiencing the effects of relationship trauma.
It takes time to grapple with what we may or may not have known or seen, what we may or may not have dismissed and why. It takes time to forgive ourselves for not knowing or seeing what the person closest to us was concealing, perhaps for decades. It takes time to recover confidence in our own decision making and judgment, and we do that slowly, by making small decisions and testing the results, by learning to listen to our bodies – our bodies give us clues as to whether or not we can trust ourselves and others. Learning to “trust your own body,” is part of this process of learning to trust others again.
Sometimes, Straight Partners or Partners of Trans People must emotionally distance themselves from their LGBT+ Partners, especially if the relationship has become abusive or toxic. Emotional distancing helps the Straight Partner or Partner of a Trans Person begin to establish themselves outside of the relationship, even if there are children in the picture. These are the steps to emotional distancing we recommend (adapted, original author unknown).
Cease asking your LGBT+ Partner for details on their personal life, unless there is a direct impact on children.
Do not divulge personal details about yourself to your LGBT+ Partner.
Do not extend yourself to help your LGBT+ Partner if someone else can help, unless helping them is in the best interest of children.
Avoid discussions that go nowhere (rehashing fault or blame, recriminations).
Start to develop new activities that don’t involve your LGBT+ Partner.
Meet new people, make new friends that have no connection to your LGBT+ Partner.
Make small changes to your home that reflect you: rearrange furniture, choose new paint colors, try new soaps, try a new restaurant, or welcome new experiences.
Behavioral changes, whether the result of a gender transition or a newly embraced sexual orientation, are common for LGBT+ Partners (whether they have come out, or they are still in the closet). This can be disorienting and even unsettling for a Straight Partner or Partner of a Trans Person to experience. Behavioral changes in a trans partner can be the result of HRT (hormone replacement therapy), or the process of experimenting with new behaviors and presentations of the opposite gender. For LGBT+ Partners, years spent repressing, denying or concealing their authentic identities often ends with discovery/disclosure (although not always). When they come out, there is a huge sense of relief and they may want to celebrate their new-found sense of self and freedom. This can be painful for Straight Partners to watch, who may feel left behind or discarded, and who may see the new behaviors as evidence that their relationship was never real.
Behavior in someone who has just come out can seem intended to be hurtful to us, however, it generally has far less to do with us, and far more to do with their newfound sense of self.
Finding a therapist who is “right” may take a few tries. While many therapists are well versed in LGBT+ issues, few are familiar with the issues Straight Partners and Partners of Trans People face. As much as their number of years in practice, their specialization or treatment approach may influence your therapy experience, it is just as important (if not more so) that you feel heard, understood, and supported by them as you work toward achieving your therapy goals. Before scheduling an appointment, ask if your prospective therapist offers a brief (15-minute) no-obligation phone consultation to discuss what you are looking for and to ask questions. Those few minutes can help you decide whether you want to commit to a full session with that person. It is not only OK, but it is encouraged that you move on if a therapist doesn’t feel right for you.
Yes. OurPath recommends getting a full STI panel, even if your partner maintains they have been faithful. Many LGBT+ Partners begin to become comfortable with their true sexual orientation in the context of a same-sex relationship, which then leads to discovery by or disclosure to their Straight Partner. If you do have an STI, medical treatment is essential to your health. If you don’t have an STI, being confident in your own health is one less concern at a challenging time. For Straight Partners in the United States, the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention has a website to help you locate a testing site in your zip code.
After disclosure, some couples go through a “honeymoon” period initiated by increased honesty and intimacy. Some Straight Partners and Partners of Trans People say that the disclosure conversation was “the most honest we’ve been with each other in years.” This may lead to a renewed sexual interest between the couple. If this is the case with you and your partner, be honest with each other about sexual relationships outside the marriage, consider STI testing, and take appropriate steps to ensure your continued health and well-being. This should include using latex condoms, and other safer sex practices.
It is not unusual for Straight Partners or Partners of Trans People to experience mental health challenges following discovery or disclosure. New depression and anxiety, or worsening of these conditions if they were already present are reported in the weeks and months following disclosure. SP and PTP report insomnia, inability to eat, sleep or concentrate, and some report suicidal ideation. OurPath recommends working with your primary care physician, therapist or psychiatrist to ensure a holistic approach to your mental and physical health during this time. In the United States, the number for the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline is 800-273-8255.
