05 – Resources for Straight Partners

For individuals and couples who are dealing with the aftermath of sexual addiction or chronic betrayal, trauma is not merely one element in the mix. Trauma permeates the experience and dynamic of these relationships such that it is inescapable — in the foreground and background, as the origin and end, as the fuel and engine, both the root and the fruit. In most cases, trauma underlies the emotional experience and behavioral tendencies for both addicted and betrayed partners, and together their individual experiences of trauma create a perfect storm of isolation, pain, fear, shame, and conflict. In this video, Dr. Jake Porter explains some of the ways that betrayed partners experience trauma neurobiologically.

In The Body Keeps the Score, Dr. Van Der Kolk uses recent scientific advances to show how trauma literally reshapes both body and brain, compromising sufferers’ capacities for pleasure, engagement, self-control, and trust. He explores innovative treatments—from neurofeedback and meditation to sports, drama, and yoga—that offer new paths to recovery by activating the brain’s natural neuroplasticity.

Dr. Debi Silber, founder of The PBT (Post Betrayal Transformation) Institute is a holistic psychologist, a health, mindset and personal development speaker, author and mentor who helps people heal from Post Betrayal Syndrome. Her recent PhD study on how we experience betrayal-what holds us back, what helps us heal and what happens to us (physically, mentally and emotionally) when the people closest to us lie, cheat and deceive led to three discoveries around how women experience and heal from betrayal.

Gaslighting is an insidious form of emotional abuse and manipulation that is difficult to recognize and even harder to break free from. In this groundbreaking guide, the prominent therapist Dr. Robin Stern shows how the Gaslight Effect works, how you can decide which relationships can be saved and which you have to walk away from—and how to gasproof your life so you’ll avoid gaslighting relationship.

When individuals with healthy emotional backgrounds meet, the irresistible “love force” creates a sustainable, reciprocal and stable relationship. Codependents and Pathological Narcissists are similarly enveloped in a seductive dreamlike state; however, it will later unfold into a painful “seesaw” of love, pain, hope and disappointment. The soul mate of the codependent’s dreams will become the narcissist of their nightmares. Readers will better understand why they, despite their dreams for true love, find themselves hopelessly and painfully in love with partners who hurt them. The Human Magnet Syndrome by Ross Rosenberg guides and inspires both the layman and the professional to break pathological attraction.

Kristin Kalbli, Assistant Director of OurPath, shares with host Virginia Campbell, how she learned her ex-husband was gay. She talks about common experiences Straight Partners have when they discover a partner is LGBT+, and gives advice to LGBT+ spouses and partners on how to come out well.

Could there be a divine purpose behind everything that happens? If you’re willing to embrace that possibility, every aspect of your life can change. This is the theory behind Colin Tipping’s revolutionary method for experiencing the freedom, peace, and renewed energy that come with Radical Forgiveness. Radical Forgiveness gives us step-by-step instruction in what begins as a healing process, and culminates in an entirely new way of living in the world. With more than a dozen tools that can help us find peace in a difficult work situation or let go of painful events from the past, this book offers quick, easy-to-use practices and clear insights for exploring the transformative Radical Forgiveness process.

What happens when there is no closure, when a family member or a friend who may be still alive is lost to us nonetheless? How, for example, does the mother whose soldier son is missing in action, or the family of an Alzheimer’s patient who is suffering from severe dementia, deal with the uncertainty surrounding this kind of loss? In this sensitive and lucid account, Pauline Boss explains that, all too often, those confronted with such ambiguous loss fluctuate between hope and hopelessness. Suffered too long, these emotions can deaden feeling and make it impossible for people to move on with their lives. Yet the central message of this book is that they can move on. Drawing on her research and clinical experience, Boss suggests strategies that can cushion the pain and help families come to terms with their grief. Her work features the heartening narratives of those who cope with ambiguous loss and manage to leave their sadness behind, including those who have lost family members to divorce, immigration, adoption, chronic mental illness, and brain injury. With its message of hope, this eloquent book offers guidance and understanding to those struggling to regain their lives.

Psychotherapist Mira Kirshenbaum draws on years of research and her work with real-life couples to help you make the right decision. She shows you how to diagnose your unique situation with self-analysis and questions like these, which get to the very heart of your problems: What sins are forgivable and which ones are unpardonable? Is your partner questioning your opinions to the point where you doubt yourself? What is your sex life really like, and how important is it? Is there real love left between you, and how does it stack up against all that you find unlovable? Mira Kirshenbaum provides expert guidelines that are the key to making all your choices, concrete steps that you can implement right now, and the ultimate way to determine your personal bottom line—what you need to be happy. This remarkably insightful and probing guide offers advice that lets you see the truth about your relationship—and with wisdom and compassion, it helps you act with the confidence of knowing that whether you decide to go or stay, you are doing the very best thing.

Sexual infidelity in a relationship often triggers a cascade of difficult and painful emotions in those who have been betrayed. After discovery, those who have been betrayed often can’t sleep or eat. They can’t stop thinking about what their partner did, and they begin avoiding people and places that they used to enjoy. Their trust in others goes down and they question themselves, often believing that there is something wrong with them. In many cases, they struggle with depression and anxiety. Finally, they experience anger in ways that surprise even themselves. After more than 10 years of research and study, Dr. Kevin Skinner’s, Treating Trauma from Sexual Betrayal, offers valuable insight into why a partner’s sexual behaviors outside of a committed relationship creates symptoms that match posttraumatic stress (PTSD). This book provides an in-depth view into the lives of individuals suffering from trauma after sexual betrayal. Using his research data from more than 5000 individuals who have experienced betrayal, Dr. Skinner outlines why betrayal triggers trauma and then provides the essential tools for healing. Before introducing solutions to treat the trauma, Dr. Skinner provides insight into why most couples don’t do the disclosure process right and how an effective disclosure can lead to genuine healing and recovery (See Chapter Five). If you are stuck and don’t know how to proceed, in Chapter Seven you will learn how to begin taking action to begin your healing process. If you are suffering from sexual betrayal, healing is possible. Discover how treating traumatic symptoms can help in your recovery. Specific solutions provided in this book include: 1. How to stop reliving what your spouse did (Chapter Nine). 2. How to build a support team around you (Chapter Ten). 3. How to resolve negative self-beliefs after discovery (Chapter Eleven). 4. How to slow down your racing mind (Chapter Twelve). If you want to understand what the healing process looks like from the beginning of discovery through the recovery process, a case study is given to help you understand the entire healing process. There are solutions. You can heal.

Claudia Dalton’s father has disappeared. What began as a late night at work has spiraled into a missing persons case—one that’s left twelve-year-old Claudia questioning everything she’s ever known about her father and their family.

But when she finally gets word from her dad, it turns out he isn’t missing at all. He’s just gone to “think things over” and visit an old friend, whatever that means. Feeling confused and helpless, Claudia starts to assemble a scrapbook, gathering emails, receipts, phone transcripts and more, all in a desperate attempt to figure out what’s happening with her dad. Claudia’s investigation deepens at her grandfather’s house, where she receives an envelope containing a puzzle piece and a cryptic message.

It’s this curious first clue that sets Claudia on an unexpected treasure hunt that she hopes will bring her dad home and heal whatever’s gone wrong with her family. Told through the pages of Claudia’s scrapbook, The Jigsaw Jungle is a moving story of a family lost and then found, with a dash of mystery and loads of heart, from award-winning author and middle-grade master Kristin Levine.

How would you feel if you were different from everyone else around you? Herbert the Hedgehog knows. He knows exactly what it’s like not to belong, to be different from everybody else. Though he’s just like his family in many ways, inside he feels different. However, try as he might, he can’t find a way to talk about it. He thinks he can figure it out by himself. Can he? It’s only with the support of his family, and the help of a very special friend, Max the Mallard Duck, that Herbert learns it’s very important to be yourself and to accept who you are. He realizes that being different isn’t what matters. What matters most is love. Who knew a simple walk could change his life forever? Join Herbert as he sets out on a journey alone to find himself and, along the way, finds so much more! -by Lynn E. Mueller (Author), Amity Pierce Buxton (Author), David Tinoco (Illustrator)