Resources for the LGBT+ Partner

Matt is gay, and he had known since he was 10 years old. He had pretended to be straight all those years, through marriage to a woman, his best friend, and four children, until he could no longer lie to his wife Luanne. Matt hoped to overcome his attraction to men through prayer, healing, 12-step programs, reparative therapy, determined to be straight enough, determined to make it work. Luanne hoped their love would be enough to get through it. It eventually became clear that Matt’s sexuality wasn’t going anywhere, and he still felt the guilt and shame. Luanne began to realize she would never have a husband who adored her. “I am not attracted to you. I never was, and I never will be,” he said to her in a moment of heartbreaking honesty. Matt felt guilt for not loving his wife in a way she deserved to be loved, but he couldn’t sustain the mixed orientation marriage in perpetuity. The future looked lonely, and he realized they would both be robbed of intimacy, joy and desire. At what cost? was the question that made them consider divorce. Matt acknowledges that Luanne definitely got the raw end of the deal as Matt goes through the process of “untelling” his lie. Their shifts in perspective allowed them to choose gratitude over regret. – Matt Nightingale and Luanne Nightingale

These stories are about the transforming commitment made by these women to own the authenticity of their feelings for another woman in order to be congruent in all areas of their lives. Their lives included the realities common to all women that are inherent in loving their children, husbands, parents and friends, as well as struggles with unfulfilling marriages, addictions, and seeking meaningful work. And, for the women in this book, their lives were further complicated by their love for a woman and the issues that are intrinsic to the coming out process. Authors: Barbee J. Cassingham and Ph.D. Sally M. O’Neil.

Have you or someone close to you experienced infidelity? Infidelity is not going to go away, Dr. Kevin Skinner poses the question, will we rise up as a society and help those suffering from the trauma of sexual betrayal? Dr. Kevin Skinner is a recognized leader and authority on sexually compulsive behavior, infidelity and trauma from sexual betrayal. In addition, Dr. Skinner has Co-Founded Discover and Change, an assessment platform providing assessments specifically to those struggling with sexual trauma, sexually compulsive behavior and relationships. Dr. Skinner’s treatment is based on his own research stemming from more than 250,000 assessments and over 20 years experience. He’s spent the last 15 years researching how sexual betrayal creates PTSD-like symptoms in the betrayed spouse.

Paul Moore’s vocation as an Episcopal priest took him—with his wife Jenny and a family that grew to nine children—from robber-baron wealth to work among the urban poor of postwar America, prominence as an activist bishop in Washington during the Johnson years, leadership in the civil rights and peace movements, and two decades as the bishop of New York. The Bishop’s Daughter is a daughter’s story of that complex, visionary man: a chronicle of her turbulent relationship with a father who struggled privately with his sexuality while she openly explored hers, and a searching account of the consequences of sexual secrets. With a depth of questioning that recalls James Carroll’s An American Requiem, this memoir by Honor Moore engages the reader in the great issues of American life: war, race, family, sexuality, and faith.

Abigail Garner was five years old when her parents divorced and her dad came out as gay. Like the millions of children growing up in these families today, she often found herself in the middle of the political and moral debates surrounding lesbian, gay, bisexual, and transgender (LGBT) parenting. Drawing on a decade of community organizing, and interviews with more than fifty grown sons and daughters of LGBT parents, Garner addresses such topics as coming out to children, facing homophobia at school, co-parenting with ex-partners, the impact of AIDS, and the children’s own sexuality. Both practical and deeply personal, Families Like Mine provides an invaluable insider’s perspective for LGBT parents, their families, and their allies.

For individuals and couples who are dealing with the aftermath of sexual addiction or chronic betrayal, trauma is not merely one element in the mix. Trauma permeates the experience and dynamic of these relationships such that it is inescapable — in the foreground and background, as the origin and end, as the fuel and engine, both the root and the fruit. In most cases, trauma underlies the emotional experience and behavioral tendencies for both addicted and betrayed partners, and together their individual experiences of trauma create a perfect storm of isolation, pain, fear, shame, and conflict. In this video, Dr. Jake Porter explains some of the ways that betrayed partners experience trauma neurobiologically.

Dr. Debi Silber, founder of The PBT (Post Betrayal Transformation) Institute is a holistic psychologist, a health, mindset and personal development speaker, author and mentor who helps people heal from Post Betrayal Syndrome. Her recent PhD study on how we experience betrayal-what holds us back, what helps us heal and what happens to us (physically, mentally and emotionally) when the people closest to us lie, cheat and deceive led to three discoveries around how women experience and heal from betrayal.

Graying Rainbows is a community that supports people of all genders and sexual identities, with a focus on the challenges of coming out LGBT+ later in life. We use interviews, history, and storytelling to connect people who are new to the Rainbow Community. Host: Dr. Virginia Campbell.

An ex-Mormon gay girl trying to figure out life. Hosts Mary and Shelly tackle religious trauma and later-in-life LGBT+ issues while laughing their asses off on a weekly podcast.

Kristin Kalbli, Assistant Director of OurPath, shares with host Virginia Campbell, how she learned her ex-husband was gay. She talks about common experiences Straight Partners have when they discover a partner is LGBT+, and gives advice to LGBT+ spouses and partners on how to come out well.

What a story Debi Silber has. Betrayed by her husband, all she learned in her PhD about betrayal, about post betrayal transformation (as opposed to resilience), the 5 stages of healing (different than the 5 stages of grief), and how betrayal effects us physically, emotionally, mentally and spiritually. It’s amazing how the path she discovered through her PhD when applied to her own life actually led to her remarrying her husband who betrayed her. You’ll hear in the interview how it wasn’t necessarily pretty, how she had to ask for what she needed, and literally create a new world view of what she deserved.

Claudia Dalton’s father has disappeared. What began as a late night at work has spiraled into a missing persons case—one that’s left twelve-year-old Claudia questioning everything she’s ever known about her father and their family.

But when she finally gets word from her dad, it turns out he isn’t missing at all. He’s just gone to “think things over” and visit an old friend, whatever that means. Feeling confused and helpless, Claudia starts to assemble a scrapbook, gathering emails, receipts, phone transcripts and more, all in a desperate attempt to figure out what’s happening with her dad. Claudia’s investigation deepens at her grandfather’s house, where she receives an envelope containing a puzzle piece and a cryptic message.

It’s this curious first clue that sets Claudia on an unexpected treasure hunt that she hopes will bring her dad home and heal whatever’s gone wrong with her family. Told through the pages of Claudia’s scrapbook, The Jigsaw Jungle is a moving story of a family lost and then found, with a dash of mystery and loads of heart, from award-winning author and middle-grade master Kristin Levine.