Pronouns, And Why I Don’t Care About Them
By Ellen Koretz
Ah, pronouns, those vexatious little words. English lacks a widely-accepted gender-neutral singular pronoun, although it sure could use one.
My former spouse – now, there’s a nice, gender-neutral word – has come out as transgender. I refer to this person as “he” prior to transition, and “she” after. This reflects my perception, and seems to annoy everyone. This person is so different pre-and-post transition that I truly see two different people, one of whom is gone. He is so gone that his name, like Voldemort’s, must not be spoken. It is “dead.” Someone recently challenged my reference to my ex as “she,” asking if that wasn’t “a win” for my ex. My gut feeling was that no, it wasn’t, but I had to stop and think about why.
The choice of pronouns is meant to indicate how one perceives the other person, hence the sensitivity. What we call someone tells them who we think they are. But we are all familiar with people who have changed what they wish to be called, for all sorts of reasons. Norma Jeane Mortenson, Ralph Lifshitz, and Saloth Sar became, respectively, Marilyn Monroe, Ralph Lauren, and Pol Pot. We accept that. Anyway, it’s pointless to disagree. Their perception of themselves is a matter of belief, which doesn’t respond to argument. If my neighbor sincerely believes he is the Emperor Napoleon, am I going to get anywhere by saying, “C’mon, you’re Joe from down the street!”
If you have raised a teenager, you know that to maintain your sanity, you pick your battles. If you have a husband who came out as transgender in middle age, you are most likely dealing with a teenager. So, sure, I refer to this person in the present as “she.” This person has a Y chromosome, left the factory with the standard equipment, and maintains an implacable sense of entitlement, but I will not convince her she is a man, and no good will come of trying.
This doesn’t mean that I unquestioningly accept her as a woman, or as a man. It means something more radical. It means that I don’t care what gender she is. It no longer has any impact on me one way or another.
And that is a “win” for me. As long as the conversation is about whether or not I accept her as a woman, she controls the script. I don’t want to talk about what gender she is. I want to talk about the lies she told, the secrets she kept, and the way she cynically used me until she found another partner. I definitely want to talk about the way she rejected our troubled teenaged son and her responsibilities toward him, and the disrespect with which she treated me for the many years she held me as an unwitting hostage in her closet. If I insisted on calling her “he,” I could just be dismissed as a transphobe. Then we could keep it superficial, and on her terms. If I were a transphobe, I would dislike all trans people. But I don’t. Trans people don’t all do bad things, but this one did.
Maybe we will eventually wordsmith our way out of this. It’s hard to predict how language will evolve. “Ms.” is now in general use, but when was the last time you heard someone say “sock it to me?” I hope we find such words, and soon. It would save everyone a lot of trouble and we could move on to talk about more important things.
So incredibly helpful, thank you!
Brilliant! Thank you!!
Thank you for shining the light on the real issues that seem to be overshadowed in these situations… why do the secrets, lies, deception, choices, consequences and time, before “discovery day” or “disclosure day” get outweighed by pronouns and preferences? Shouldn’t we talk about how one human being treated another, the effects, the family unit, a healing protocol, a path forward, the “why” in the first place? Shouldn’t we talk about the things that really matter?
First article I found here. I relate so much. Great points. Thank you! Thank you!
Very relatable. Many Trans people focus on their transition, their “new me”, but forget that they are still somehow responsible and have connections towards their old self. Rather than obsessing over something like a pronoun, we need to have more conversations about the sudden changes, about the shock and the grief, about how much a person is impacted by someone else’s decisions. If the trans person want to get respect and suport from their partners, then they will have to do the same to their spouse.
Thank you for this article. It’s an interesting perspective.
I understand the anger and pain you feel towards your ex. That being said, respecting people’s pronouns is a basic act of decency. Respecting her, and every trans person’s pronouns, does NOT mean they get a free pass from accountability for their actions. Often, folks who struggle with pronouns are centering their own discomfort over the basic decency we owe each other. She deserves respect for her pronouns. AND, she deserves criticism for her poor treatment of you and your child.
For argument’s sake, imagine that your name is Sarah – whether you were born with it or chose it. But your whole life, the folks who knew you called you “Blondie”. It might have been a cute childhood name, but now you want to be taken seriously as an adult. How would you feel if those around you not only ignored your wish to be called Sarah, but told you that you were overreacting? That just because they see you as Blondie, you need to accept it. There’s no room for your discomfort or sense of invalidation because they don’t care. In fact, THEY feel victimized for the inconvenience of learning your new name. Wouldn’t you feel invisible, and like your autonomy doesn’t matter? It’s not a perfect analogy, but it’s what trans people go through.
Most cisgender people, even if they’re complete jerks, have their names and pronouns respected without question. Trans people deserve the same respect – even if they are jerks. Because even if your ex is the worst human who ever existed, the attitude you carry about pronouns can deeply hurt someone you love or care about who you may or may not know is trans – and it can cost you an otherwise meaningful, enriching relationship with them.
I ask that you not let your anger towards your ex influence your outlook on pronouns. Your ex may suck. And your pain is real. But you close yourself off to people who could enrich your life because they don’t want to be around people who don’t respect them. You stand to gain so much more goodness in your life if you can find it in your heart to understand why such a “small” thing means so much to someone else.
Since I first encountered pronouns, the movement has only intensified. Everywhere you look it seems people are talking about pronouns. Pronouns in online bios, email signatures, on name tags; peppy educational videos about how to use pronouns and why they’re important; memos from your office or school. So what are these pronouns we are being asked to specify? What is the purpose of specifying one’s pronouns? And what does all of this mean for individuals and the broader culture? I argue that the obsession with pronouns is to misrepresent reality motivated by misguided empathy, and that rather than protecting people it breeds fragility and narcissism as it sows seeds of gender confusion in today’s youth.
A basic refresher: a pronoun is a word that takes the place of a singular or plural noun (person, place, or thing), like me, whom, it, they, he, etc. First person pronouns are those one uses to refer to oneself, like I, mine, we, us. Second person pronouns are used to address the person or people to whom one is speaking and include you, yours. Then there are third person pronouns, which we use when we talk about someone who is not in the conversation directly; these include she, them, who, etc. It is these third person pronouns everyone is obsessing over. When we are asked for our pronouns, we are asked not how we would like to be addressed directly, but how we expect other people to talk to each other about us.
What is the purpose of specifying our third person pronouns? In a word: gender. When we talk about a person who is not present, we typically use masculine or feminine third person pronouns to say “he this…” or “she that…” If an individual’s appearance offers conflicting cues about gender, and a person wishes to avoid inadvertently causing offense, “what are your pronouns” can be a gentle euphemism for “are you a boy or a girl?” This is especially true if it is a commonplace question asked of everyone, regardless of gendered appearance. Indeed, the more asking for pronouns is normalized, the less awkwardness it creates for androgynous appearing individuals and those who wish to speak about them politely. With trends in political correctness demanding that people continually demonstrate empathy for those in special identity categories, Social Justice activists naturally want to get everyone on board with this.
Offering up a set of third person pronouns is code for: I want you to perceive me as male, or as female, or as neither male nor female, or at least to pretend as if you do when you talk about me. If your appearance tends to match your sex, as is true for most people, the only reason for you to engage in pronoun play is to signal deference to those declaring themselves exempt from biological norms. It is an emerging cultural bargain in which the Woke conspire to protect individuals who try to appear as the opposite sex through cosmetic interventions from the awkwardness of failing to convincingly “pass,” and to protect those who wish to pretend that humans are not sexually dimorphic from facing the disappointment of reality. No one is fooled, they’re just playing along.
If it’s all a well-intentioned then why should we not adopt the pronoun game as a universal custom? There are several reasons why I believe we should not: because it undermines self-confidence and resilience by asserting that one’s self-concept is rightly dependent upon external-validation, it endorses and encourages narcissistic behavior, and it creates a world of bizarre and unnecessary confusion for children around the topics of sex and gender. Put simply: it does more harm than good both to those it seeks to aid and everyone else.
The phrase “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger” has students vehemently rejecting the adage as offensive and tone-deaf (and yet it seems foreign-born students from non-western cultures do not agree: they find it encouraging and inspirational). And what ever happened to “sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me?” This was used for ages by mothers as they brushed tears off their children’s cheeks, teaching them to look within for strength and not let the insults of others shake their foundations. While of course these are unrealistic in a literal sense- painful experiences and the judgements of others can and do hurt us- the underlying goal is admirable: fostering self-reliance and ego strength in the face of a fickle world in which we will inevitably meet hardship and criticism.
This present-day pronoun craze represents a complete reversal of this theme and is part of what appears to be an anti-resilience, pro-fragility movement in Western culture. Not only must we be VERY concerned with what others think of us, we must micromanage the exact words they are to use. A quick search for the term “misgendering,” or failing to use the third person pronouns a person desires, reveals a ton of articles claiming it is “a not-so silent killer,” and “an act of violence that needs to stop,” and that it is “a harmful, awful experience.” That the feeling of not having one’s inner self-concept affirmed should hurt so badly is truly unfortunate and no compassionate person wants to see another human being suffer from mental health or self-confidence issues.
Why are we not asking deeper questions about what is happening here? If some individuals are unhappy enough with their secondary sexual characteristics that they engage in a radical form of self-rejection through a spectrum of cosmetic and medical interventions, and require consistent affirmation from others in order to complete the illusion that their mental health will suffer… is pretending to see what they want us to see really helping them to become healthier and happier or is it merely an act of codependency which enables dysfunction and fosters fragility?
By teaching people to dictate how others speak about them in the third person, we are also coaching them to adopt narcissistic traits such as interpersonally exploitative behavior (I am using you as a mirror to reflect the image of myself I wish to see), entitlement (you owe it to me to affirm what I say), lack of empathy (I don’t care what you really think/feel), and arrogance (I demand that you bend to my will or I will say you are harming me). So by pushing the pronoun charade, we are encouraging not only fragility and codependency, but also narcissism and entitlement. Is it any wonder then, that advocates of gender-interventionism are so viciously determined to “cancel” all who disagree with their perspective?
I don’t condemn the choice to use cosmetic, medical, and/or linguistic tools to deal with feelings of discomfort with one’s natal sex, on the contrary I believe in each individual’s right to make their own lifestyle choices, as long as they don’t violate the rights of others. I sympathize with people struggling with gender dysphoria, and can relate to it personally, having a Daughter who identified as Transgender.
I will not be adding pronouns to my name tag, my email signature, or any online profile in order to further the illusion that male/female is just a mental state. Coercively insisting through institutional policies that we all play the pronoun game is a form of compelled speech that violates free speech ethics and forces people to participate in a cognitive distortion. Worse, it solidifies the notion that the only acceptable way to deviate from stereotypical male or female is to change how one categorizes oneself. When this is incorporated into education for young children, the consequences are potentially devastating.
The focus on categorization, labeling, and demanding affirmation for one’s chosen gender labels is an inversion of the liberal principle of self-acceptance that says whether you are male or female you can be as masculine or feminine as you like, and love who you love, and that’s just fine. This new ideological spin reframes that, so that if a boy is not masculine enough he’s not a boy at all, and he must change his appearance through puberty-blocking pharmaceuticals and/or social transition in order to become acceptable. A girl who is not feminine enough must not be a girl: she is a trans-boy, or non-binary. As Social Emotional Learning and Critical Social Justice ideologies are taking over school curriculums, this new radical body-phobia is not being taught as ONE way to understand ourselves in the world, but THE way. If you disagree you must be “transphobic,” or a “TERF.”
As these repeated messages explicitly encourage children’s confusion over their developing bodies, a rejection of natural coming-of-age and a new medicalization of puberty is becoming the norm for many. And with this normalization we are seeing a rise in irreversible gender affirmation intervention decisions made during adolescence and a corresponding rise in young people facing a lifetime of regret for decisions they were groomed into making before they knew better. How many of today’s adults would be happy to be stuck forever with the identities we so fervently expressed as teens? I don’t know about you, but I cringe thinking about the hairstyle and clothing my 14, 15, or 17 year-old self thought was “me.” I’m glad I didn’t have a teacher, counselor, doctor, or parent advocating for me to have a permanent Farrah Fawcett hair style or a perm, thin Eyebrows, blue eyeliner, and red lipstick, Acid wash jeans with a zipper that went from front to back, neon jackets or affirming my desires for tattoos. Yet these things pale in comparison with encouraging a kid to take steps that can lead to permanent sterility, reduced life-expectancy, and body mutilation, all based on a transient and developmentally appropriate teenage identity crisis.
For all these reasons, I can’t support pronoun play, either as a Mother or as a woman. In as far as I am able without violating my conscience or breaking the law here in Canada, I will respect the pronoun requests of others, but I will not go along with a perversion of empathy that says we must habitually announce our gender self-concept and interrogate how others self-identify so we can prop up their aspirations or else we are causing them grievous harm. I won’t be playing a linguistic game that cultivates fragility, entitlement, and self-harm while it gaslights us and brainwashes our children into hating their bodies.
Thank you Michelle!