Straight Talk Blog

Happy? Valentine’s Day

Happy ? Valentine's Day

By Kristin Kalbli

I’ve never been too fussed about Valentine’s Day. When I was married to a closeted gay man, he wrote me the obligatory card, and maybe we did the occasional obligatory dinner, and maybe I got him a little something too. I don’t really remember. What I do remember, is that none of those Valentine’s Day celebrations turned romantic or sexual, never lead to the good stuff. 

By the time I was divorced and single, I didn’t put too much stock in Valentine’s Day. It typically passed by without me taking much notice. I watched other singletons and divorcées around me lament with hang dog expressions and couldn’t really relate. Thing one, it was a commercial holiday, and I wasn’t much for feeling any kind of way because Hallmark told me it was the day to feel that way. And thing two, I was busy living my single life, free of a bad marriage and a husband who was only going to give me a Hallmark card that was going to end up in the recycling bin a few days later. So, forgive me if my general position on the old V-Day is a robust and hearty “meh.”

It wasn’t that I was cynical. It’s just that I was preoccupied, and Valentine’s Day had never really delivered anything particularly notable in my life. 

This year, I’m having a little re-think.  

Yes, Valentine’s Day is a cheesy commercial holiday. Yes, the chocolates are typically terrible. Yes, it’s impossible to get a dinner reservation late in the game. Yes, it’s hard to watch couples enjoying themselves (or faking enjoying themselves if they were anything like my ex-husband and I). Yes, I will likely be binging comedy specials on Netflix that evening before heading to bed to – ahem – take care of myself. So far as all that remains true, I offer that taking Valentine’s Day too seriously doesn’t really help those of us in the single category.

And yet, it is a day to commemorate love. And what better, more noble thing can we do as human beings, than love? And who among us doesn’t want and even need love? Especially for those of us that have discovered that the love we thought we had was not real. 

Why wouldn’t we long for authentic, intimate, heart connecting love? Loving, and longing for love when it isn’t available, is an innately human thing to do. I have found that it is quite literally painful to not have an outlet for all that love inside of me. We do not long for love to receive it nearly so much as to give it, because as humans, that is what we are here for. And that, my friends, is a reason to celebrate a day just for love.

So, if you are one of those fortunate enough to have someone to exchange love with this Valentine’s Day, or any day of the year, I will raise my martini glass in your honor when the day arrives. And when you get a moment to think of those of us singletons, blow a little of your magic love dust on the rest of us. We’ll still be eating the terrible chocolates.


2 responses to “Happy? Valentine’s Day”

  1. Patti L. says:

    When I was single, I used to get myself the flowers and chocolates. That morphed into inviting my single friends over for a “Single Goddesses” dinner party on V-day. Then I got a boyfriend, and then married him, and he would get me the flowers and cards and such, all very nice. Years later, my husband comes out to me as trans, and he wants a divorce so that he can start a whole new life. I am GUTTED. I had no clue, other than our sex life going down the tubes the last few years due to his ED. Feb. 13 had me ranting and raving against him; I am hurting so much and I am so angry at him for all the ways that he’s deceived me. Yet, I still got roses for Valentine’s Day. He says he still loves me, even though he can’t stay with me. While ours is a very broken love, it’s still love, and I don’t know what I’m going to do without him. It’s all so very confusing; this is unlike the end of any love affair I’ve ever had. Authentic, intimate, heart connecting love is something that I think we all want. But in reality, trying to get there is so messy and imperfect, and a mine field of potential heart wrenching blow ups. Yet we silly humans pick up the pieces of our shredded hearts and keep trying to find love in the end. It has to start with loving ourselves.

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