As an organization, we cannot recommend or endorse any particular doctor or therapist. If you are in an area with a face-to-face support group, group members may make personal recommendations. If you live in the United States, the American Medical Association maintains a website that will help you search for a physician. You can also seek physicians and therapists through your health insurance plan or employee assistance program if you are enrolled in one.
There is no substitute for legal advice from an experienced and competent attorney. The outcome of a divorce will usually have major repercussions for years after the divorce has been completed. Many attorneys will provide a no-charge or reduced charge initial evaluation session. For most divorces, the main focus is on the division of property and the parenting plan for children, if any.
Educate yourself on the applicable divorce laws, which differ widely depending upon where you live. While a few locales still allow for “at fault” divorces for adultery, cruelty etc., in most locations a “no-fault” divorce is the norm. In the case of a “no-fault” divorce, the court will not consider who is “at fault” for the demise of the marriage. They will treat the marriage more like a business that is being dissolved. Divorces are as unique as the couples that get them. Some are amicable and straightforward. Others are acrimonious and complicated. Some are resolved through mediation, while others proceed all the way to trial and appeal. Do your best to prepare yourself for all possibilities.
If you haven’t already, now is the time to educate yourself on your family’s financial position and begin to research ways to protect yourself financially. We recommend collecting current financial statements for bank and retirement accounts, credit cards, mortgages and loans.
If you have children, now is also the time to begin researching custody arrangements and make sure you are prepared with any and all documentation needed to make your custody case to a court.
As an organization, we cannot recommend or endorse any particular attorney or law firm. If you are in an area with a face-to-face support group, group members may make personal recommendations. If you live in the United States, the American Bar Association maintains a website to help you find an attorney.
One thing we can say for sure: MORs occur in every faith and religious denomination. OurPath has supported people from Christian, Mormon, Jewish, Muslim and other religious backgrounds. Although many churches and temples are now “open and affirming” of LGBT+ people, many religious traditions still hold that homosexuality or being transgender is “wrong” or “immoral.” If you are part of a faith that teaches this, it can be hard to reconcile that you are, or were, partnered with an LGBT+ person. Many Straight Partners and Partners of Trans People have crises of faith. Some people leave their churches, communities or denominations, which can add to a sense of grief over lost community. Some SP and PTP question, but ultimately recommit to their faith. Although as an organization we affirm LGBT+ people and other sexual minorities as part of the normal, healthy expression of diverse human sexuality, OurPath supports each SP or PTP on their own faith journey.
Even if you participate in a faith community that accepts homosexuality/being transgender, you may find less support than you had hoped for in your house of worship. Affirming churches often support and celebrate newly out LGBT+ individuals or Mixed Orientation couples but may not know how to support Straight Partners or Partners of Trans People who are affected by discovery/disclosure. OurPath is here to support you in areas where faith communities may not be equipped to.
Children are perceptive. They pick up on what’s happening in a home, even if they don’t know the specifics. Family secrets often have negative impacts on children into their adult lives. In general, transparency and truth are always preferable to secrets and hidden truths. Indeed, many of our LGBT+ Partners felt compelled to maintain their true sexual orientations or identities as secrets.
If the SP/PTP and the LGBT+ Partner are amicable co-parents, telling the kids together, as a family, in age-appropriate language, is often best. The focus of both parents can then be on the children and their responses, and both parents can be ready to provide any emotional reassurances needed. Both parents should emphasize that no matter what effect disclosure has on the marriage, they will still have two parents who love and care for them. Parents who have been through this report that their best results have come from stating the facts simply and honestly, and then allowing the children to ask questions for clarification as needed. Planning the disclosure in advance or with a therapist can help prepare you for possible questions the children might ask and could allow you to practice the discussion to make it more comfortable. Most children are more concerned with what the disclosure means to them and where they will live, rather than the fact that Daddy is gay or trans, that or Mommy is lesbian. Be prepared to discuss their concerns. Children often adjust quite well to having an LGBT+ parent. The key is how their parents treat each other.
It is not always possible for disclosure to be a team effort. If the LGBT+ Partner is still closeted, in denial, or unwilling to come out to the children, this creates distress for the Straight Partner or Partner of a Trans Person who struggles with how much and when to disclose to the children. In general, the minimum amount of need-to-know information that gives children enough of the truth to feel grounded in reality, is recommended. Tread carefully here. Disclosing LGBT+ status to children, when the other parent is not out, can create other complications. Working through this with a therapist or family counselor can be helpful.
Colage.org is a national organization that supports people with one or more LGBT+ caregivers or parents. They have a variety of online support groups as well as local chapters and peer pen pals.
We highly recommend the book The Jigsaw Jungle, by Straight Partner Kristin Levine. It is a middle grades book that features a 12-year-old girl whose father comes out as gay.
One parent is never responsible for or able to control the relationship of children with their other parent. But according to the Institute for Family Studies, parental conflict is harmful to children, and high conflict divorce is toxic for children. For that reason, it is important that Straight Partners or Partners of Trans People encourage a continued good relationship with the LGBT+ parent, especially in divorce cases. This is challenging at a time when the Sp/PTP may be grieving and angry. It is one of the most difficult tasks of parenting to set aside personal feelings of hurt and betrayal to encourage a healthy relationship with all parents, but if it can be done, kids fare better.
Do your best to resist the urge to use the children as “go-betweens” for yourself and your partner/ex-partner or vent to your children about their other parent. Allow children to establish their own relationship with their other parent. Situations where the children’s health and well being are in jeopardy are obvious exceptions, and legal guidance on managing high conflict divorce is recommended.
Maybe. The most current research indicates that sexual orientation is determined by a combination of genetic and environmental factors. Many children do question their own sexual orientation or gender identity after the disclosure of a parent. For this reason, how the Straight Partner or Partner of a Trans Person talks about the LGBT+ Partner will have lasting impacts on any children that may be LGBT+ themselves. Be supportive of your child no matter what their sexual identity turns out to be. For a child who is questioning, therapy may be a good option to help them explore their feelings. Teaching our children to be true to who they are is one of the most important gifts that we can give them.
