Cheating is Cheating is Cheating
By Kelly Wilkins
“At least your partner left you for someone of the same gender. That’s got to be better, right?”
“I needed to have gay sex to confirm my sexuality.”
“I knew you wouldn’t let me explore this side of my sexuality.”
“It wasn’t cheating because I was with a partner of the same gender.”
These are all common responses to finding out that your partner was unfaithful to you as part of an LGBT+ relationship outside of your relationship with them. And they can be demoralizing at best, and destructive at worst. It’s not always easy to have a measured, or even calm reply when confronted with one of these gems.
So let’s get something clear right now. Cheating is cheating is cheating. If you engage in a romantic or sexual relationship outside of your committed relationship without the knowledge and consent of your partner, you’re cheating. The reasons may vary, but for the remainder of this blog post, this is the operating argument.
Cheating has many negative effects on a relationship. Some of the reported negative effects reported for the uninvolved partner are:
Anxiety
Low self-esteem
Self-blame
Stress and depression
Rage and anger
And that’s just for starters. When your partner is cheating on you in a same-gender relationship and you had previously been assured by them that they are straight, it can compound the effects of the negatives on your psyche. It’s hard to know where to turn for support as well. There is still a stigma attached to a partner’s infidelity, which can compound your feelings of low self-esteem and self-blame.
There are long term negative effects to grapple with as well. Once trust has been broken, it can be impossible to repair in some cases. There will be grieving, and just like the initial pain of discovering infidelity, that can take the form of anger. Your partner may be defensive and unwilling to accept responsibility for their actions, or they may attempt to justify it. Especially in the cases of closeted LGBT+ partners who have engaged in same-gender relationships to test the waters of sex with same-gender partners. You aren’t being homophobic, close-minded or prudish to be hurt and angry when your partner has broken the agreement of fidelity you had with them, and cheating is cheating is cheating. You have a right to your feelings, as well as your grief.
So what do you do when you find out that your partner was unfaithful to you? Despite how cathartic it may be to take the remedies talked about in popular songs, it’s far better for your own mental health to seek out people who will support you while you process and heal from the intense blow that a partner’s infidelity will have. Many therapy practices have programs devoted to recovering from infidelity, either as one-on-one counseling or as part of couples counseling. It’s also important to make sure that you receive any and all medical tests and care you may need after finding out that your partner was unfaithful. At the end of the day, only you can decide if you want to continue as part of a Mixed Orientation Relationship and move past the infidelity, or if you will go your separate ways. Regardless of the path you choose, OurPath is dedicated to helping you get through this difficult time every step of the way.
I found that my husband who I’ve thought was straight for the 22 years of our marriage has viewed gay porn for years and when I confronted him he told me he is bi. Even though he claims he hasn’t had a physical relationship with a man I still feel betrayed, hurt, confused… He’s very religious and I naively thought a monogamous relationship also included not watching other people have sex.
This my first time writing in this forum, but I need some help to figure this out. I am married my husband 8 years ago, we ave two beautiful children, that we both adore. My husband has been drinking a lot for like a few months and he also has diagnosed with anxiety and depression, I got the feeling my husband is gay, he showed me the other night a joke of a family man having having anal play with a toy, he laughed and thought it was very funny, not for me. My doubts started crippling up and I think he is cheating on me with one of his co-workers. He travels all the time for work and seems very distance, of course no sex in three months already. I am afraid if ask him about this he will deny and get upset or maybe hurt himself? I am scared and afraid. What can I do? I feel horrible, sad, upset and hopeless.
I know this is a rather old post. TITA, but I thought I’d respond here in case it’s helpful. I don’t have a definitive answer, but if you haven’t found the online forum yet, you should check that out (https://straightspouse.boardhost.com) – you may get more responses there. It certainly helped me.
It seems like there are lots of possible things going on. Anal play doesn’t NECESSARILY mean he’s gay, and being distant MAY be more related to depression. It sounds like the signs are there though. I will say that your husband very well may not have admitted to himself that he may be gay or bi, even if he has cheated. That’s something people can take a LONG and painful – for everyone – time to come to grips with. I hope, with this diagnoses, he’s actually getting help with those problems. It may be easier to come at a discussion from an angle of supporting him, or your/your children’s wellbeing, if you have that in you, rather than an accusation.
And you should feel like YOU can see a therapist yourself, if that’s an option – being married to someone (gay or not) with mental health issues and drinking problems, you need support too.