By Kelly Wilkins

“At least your partner left you for someone of the same gender. That’s got to be better, right?”

“I needed to have gay sex to confirm my sexuality.”

“I knew you wouldn’t let me explore this side of my sexuality.”

“It wasn’t cheating because I was with a partner of the same gender.”

These are all common responses to finding out that your partner was unfaithful to you as part of an LGBT+ relationship outside of your relationship with them. And they can be demoralizing at best, and destructive at worst. It’s not always easy to have a measured, or even calm reply when confronted with one of these gems. 

So let’s get something clear right now. Cheating is cheating is cheating. If you engage in a romantic or sexual relationship outside of your committed relationship without the knowledge and consent of your partner, you’re cheating. The reasons may vary, but for the remainder of this blog post, this is the operating argument.

Cheating has many negative effects on a relationship. Some of the reported negative effects reported for the uninvolved partner are:

Anxiety

Low self-esteem

Self-blame

Stress and depression

Rage and anger

And that’s just for starters. When your partner is cheating on you in a same-gender relationship and you had previously been assured by them that they are straight, it can compound the effects of the negatives on your psyche. It’s hard to know where to turn for support as well. There is still a stigma attached to a partner’s infidelity, which can compound your feelings of low self-esteem and self-blame. 

There are long term negative effects to grapple with as well. Once trust has been broken, it can be impossible to repair in some cases. There will be grieving, and just like the initial pain of discovering infidelity, that can take the form of anger. Your partner may be defensive and unwilling to accept responsibility for their actions, or they may attempt to justify it. Especially in the cases of closeted LGBT+ partners who have engaged in same-gender relationships to test the waters of sex with same-gender partners. You aren’t being homophobic, close-minded or prudish to be hurt and angry when your partner has broken the agreement of fidelity you had with them, and cheating is cheating is cheating. You have a right to your feelings, as well as your grief.

So what do you do when you find out that your partner was unfaithful to you? Despite how cathartic it may be to take the remedies talked about in popular songs, it’s far better for your own mental health to seek out people who will support you while you process and heal from the intense blow that a partner’s infidelity will have. Many therapy practices have programs devoted to recovering from infidelity, either as one-on-one counseling or as part of couples counseling. It’s also important to make sure that you receive any and all medical tests and care you may need after finding out that your partner was unfaithful. At the end of the day, only you can decide if you want to continue as part of a Mixed Orientation Relationship and move past the infidelity, or if you will go your separate ways. Regardless of the path you choose, OurPath is dedicated to helping you get through this difficult time every step of the way.