Guest: Karen Slater
Karen Slater had a lot to forgive her closeted husband for, not the least of which is the impact his sexual rejection had on her. It created profound insecurity about her body and sparked years of yo-yo dieting, trying to reignite their sex life, only to have her efforts fail and the cycle repeat. In this conversation, she shares all she had to forgive, why she chose to forgive it, and how she was able to, all while insisting what her husband did in his efforts to maintain his closet were not ok.
An interesting episode – I think the point about what having a partner who isn’t attracted to you sexually does to your self-image is something I’ve really observed over the years. It is something we can rectify but this takes time and a lot of positive affirmation. This affects both men and women who have had an LGBT partner/spouse.
So healing for me to listen to all these podcasts for 9 years now I can relate to them so much I also forgave but will never forget an abusive 21 yr marriage 3 children .
Made peace again with him 6 yrs after I divorced him he said he still loved me I lost him 2 yrs ago x
I have been listening to your Podcast since I found it last summer after discovering my husband is gay after 33 years of marriage and 3 children. I felt so alone until I started listening and felt I had found my people. This particular episode with Karen Slater really spoke to me and was such a familiar story. I felt like she was telling my story. Please pass this onto Karen she has really made me feel seen and understood.
Thank you and please keep doing what you are doing; it is so important to many of us.
Lynn
I have just finished listening to S7 Ep 3 and I really wanted to leave a comment. I think it’s great that Karen can forgive her ex for what he did and was glad she also recognized that not all situations are the same. She touched on a subject that I really want to comment on. This subject relates to children. She said she wouldn’t have them if it weren’t for her ex but she also could’ve had them with someone else that wasn’t hiding secrets and thus the kids would grow up in a loving home with both parents not a broken home. What these spouses don’t realize is that they didn’t only break up a marriage they broke up a family! I, unlike Karen have never gotten an apology from my ex and don’t expect to ever receive one. He is off living the single life and doesn’t care about the family he once had. So just to reiterate, not all situations are the same .
Lynn, your message means so much to me! I’m so glad my story resonated with you. It’s always amazed me how much all of our stories are so different, and yet they are all so much the same. 33 years of marriage is such a long time! I’m glad you’ve found your people now… we hear and get you.
Thank you so much! For the first time in 9 months I feel less alone, like maybe there are people who understand. My story has similarities and differences. Like you the most painful part was the damage of being sexually rejected and made to feel like it was my fault . This has done more damage to me than anything else. And there was a lot. He did not say it was my weight . He would always tell me it’s my personality, and that I turned him off everyday. I was overweight and lost 50 lbs In hopes that maybe I would be less resistable. I worked hard at it and he didn’t notice even get “your pretty “ . I also shared a house with him for 7 months before being able to move out. It’s been about 6 weeks now and all the rage seems to be coming back. After hearing your story I know that I have to find a path to forgiveness as he now seems genuinely sorry. I am so mad . I feel like he stole my ability to be a women, made me feel less than and basically stole my chance at happiness. We can get a long most of the time but sometimes the rage comes out and I remind him of all the terrible things he did over and over. I have to stop, get off the damn hamster wheel, be strong for my son. How did you keep the emotions from boiling over I. His presence?
Hi Sandra, I’m so pleased my interview resonated with you, and you are definitely not alone! That’s horrible, that your gay husband told you it was your personality that turned him off, because no amount of losing weight will fix that, right?? Such a disingenuous thing for him to say. Think of the weight loss as something you did for you, so you can be healthier. While you may have done it to please him, in the end his “not even noticing it” shouldn’t make you feel like a failure. Also, I want to tell you that your rage is very normal. I went through the five stages of grief TWICE… once in the 7 months, and then again after he moved out.
So in an effort to answer your question (re how to keep the emotions from boiling over in his presence), I need to ask you… have you had an opportunity to tell him how you really feel? That you feel like you can’t be a woman? If he is looking for forgiveness, then I think you need to get all of this off your chest. Once you have done so, you may get the apology that I got. But even if it takes time to get the apology, I think you will feel better simply by telling him exactly how you feel. I know I did! After that, it does become easier to forgive. And the forgiveness lifts a huge weight off your shoulders. But if you are holding in all your emotions all the time, then it will continue to be difficult to forgive and let go of the anger. Also, please see a therapist if you aren’t already doing so. And don’t be afraid of anti-anxiety meds… they helped me SOOOOOOO much! They do not have to be a lifetime answer to your problems… just a tool to help you through the hard times.
Anyway, I strongly encourage you to talk to your husband… you absolutely deserve a life of happiness and love. Do NOT give him the power to steal your happiness from you!!!! Obviously you are just going to have to go through this process (the one none of us ever wanted) and there are no shortcuts to getting through it. But you are strong and a survivor, and you have a kid who loves his mom very much. There truly can be a better life after TGT. I can’t even begin to tell you how very much happier I am with my 2nd husband than I EVER was with my first husband. Sending you lots of hugs and positive vibes.
Hi Michelle, glad you listened to my interview and took the time to comment. I was concerned (and I’m sure Kristin was as well) that people would feel like I was saying EVERYONE needs to forgive. One thing I can say is that even though all of our stories have common through-lines, we all have different stories and one size does NOT fit all. I realize how fortunate I am that my ex-husband apologized, and I know not everybody will get that. You are absolutely right… the gay spouses don’t just do this to us, they do this to a whole family. When I talk about the cheating that went on, I always describe it as “he cheated on me and the kids.” 10 years out, we are all in a much better place, so much so that we all went to Seattle for my daughter’s graduation in early June… we were one big Modern Family! Not that I’m dying to go on vacation with my ex-husband again, but I feel like my forgiveness of him allowed that to happen. Sending you lots of hugs and positive vibes.
Common History – that is awesome that you can still find that. I have had to shut my switch off for myself because of his current relationship. You are doing these things with your new husband. I don’t have a relationship and watching theirs unfold, grow and when all they talk about is their new house, their trips (esp Seattle) and so much more. Still crushed by that and that is why I have pulled back from doing things together. Firmly believing I will heal more without his/their presence in my life. It was a hard choice with my boys but they get it and hate seeing me suffer. You can only hide so much in your own home.
I hope that someday I can get where you are but for now I am still healing lots.
Really enjoyed hearing you and relating to what I could.