08 – Voices Podcast

Guest: Janet Jones

In 2014, Gwyneth Paltrow took a lot of heat when she referred to her divorce from Chris Martin as a “Conscious Uncoupling.” Today on the show, therapist and straight spouse Janet Jones walks us through the steps of how to consciously uncouple ourselves, energetically, emotionally and psychologically, from an ex-spouse, even years after a divorce is final. Today is an invitation to complete the work of separation and divorce within ourselves, regardless of whether or not we have the cooperation of a partner or ex-partner.

Guest: Dr. Robin Stern

The author of The Gaslight Effect, Dr. Robin Stern, discusses gaslighting, what it is, how it works, why it’s used as an emotional manipulation tactic, and what its effects are on the target. She illuminates what happens when your sense of reality and sanity are undermined. When an LGBT partner is grappling with their sexuality or gender identity, they may gaslight their straight or non-trans spouses (consciously or unconsciously), if they have not yet come to terms with that sexuality or gender identity. This can have deleterious effects on the straight or non-trans spouse’s emotional and mental health.

Guest: Lauren Rowello

The first episode of a three-part series featuring non-trans spouses of trans women. Today, Lauren Rowello discusses her experience of her husband’s transition to her wife, working through her initial sense of betrayal, how she navigated the uncertainty around staying versus leaving the marriage in an environment that offers little support for the partners of trans people. She also shares frankly and vulnerably how she and her wife navigated the new landscape of physical intimacy before and during medical transition.

Guest: Julie Feinstein Adams

Writer and performer Julie Feinstein Adams shares her experience navigating both her husband’s sexuality and their gender transition from male to female. She shares how, in a spirit of acceptance and goodwill, she tried to roll with the news that her spouse was bisexual (and wanted to open their marriage), and transgender, until she could no longer stay married. She did her best to be supportive during transition, even going so far as to take her spouse to “have her colors done,” so she could look the part, even as her spouse’s transition was excruciating for Julie. “I was raising a newborn, married to a hormonal teenager, and I was experiencing a death [of my male spouse] all at the same time,” she says. “So please send three casseroles.”

You can see her performance work here:

http://www.jfacommunications.com/wtf-solo-showdown/

Guests: Carter Cortelyou and Peggy Garrigues

Methodist pastor Carter Cortelyou and his ex-wife Peggy Garrigues, a Unitarian Universalist minster, talk about their marriage, divorce, and Peggy’s sexuality. Peggy came out as lesbian two decades into their marriage. Carter and Peggy share how they navigated disclosure and remaining quiet about Peggy’s orientation because of her ministry in the Methodist Church. They discuss the impact of Peggy’s sexuality on their faith, their ministries, and they share how they eventually found mutual respect, generosity and compassion for each other.

Guest: Tinsel Angel

Today on the show, self-identified Trans Widow Tinsel Angel speaks about the gender transition of her husband. Initially, she made efforts to accept her husband’s need to cross dress, even accompanying him on nights out while he was dressed as a woman. But when he announced his intention to fully transition, she knew the marriage she had tried so hard to maintain had to end. She shares how negotiating boundaries with her husband around his cross-dressing, only to have those boundaries crossed time and time again, eroded her psychological wellbeing until she needed medical intervention.

Guest: Layla Ali

Today, Layla Ali, a 19-year-old closeted lesbian from a conservative Muslim family, speaks about growing up as a gay Muslim, and the pressure she feels to marry a man. In fact, Layla isn’t even her real name, and we used a voice actress to portray her, because it is not safe for her to come out publicly. Layla talks about how marrying an opposite sex partner is expected of her, and she was headed down that road until she listened to the stories of straight husbands and decided that she never wanted to hurt anyone in that way. She says, “straight spouses deserve to love in truth.”

Guest: Nigel Ashford

As a young, gay African American male from a Christian background, Nigel Ashford believed he would have to marry a woman to make his family and God happy. He didn’t think about the potential wife in the scenario: “To be honest I wasn’t thinking about the other person. I hate to say it, but the only thing I was thinking of was ‘how do I make my family and God happy? What do they  want me to do? What do I need to do to make sure I’m pleasing them?’ ” Through representation and visibility, Nigel saw examples of other gay men living fulfilling lives, and decided he could do that as an out gay man too.

Guests: Stephanie and Debbie Hayton

Married couple Stephanie and Debbie Hayton get personal in their discussion of Debbie’s gender transition, candidly sharing how it impacted their relationship and their family. Debbie tried to suppress her desire to transition until she no longer could. Stephanie tried to keep the family together as best as she could. This vulnerable interview highlights the fact that transition impacts every member of a family, not just the person transitioning.