08 – Voices Podcast

Guest: Stephanie Skylar, Former Executive Director

In today’s episode, host Kristin Kalbli interviews Stephanie Skylar about the mission and the scope of the SSN, how to get help in a time of need, and how to offer help to others when you have time to give back.

Guest: Paul Nelson

Kristin interviews Paul Nelson about his personal experience discovering his wife was a lesbian while he was deployed in Afghanistan. They discuss disclosure, the complications of custody arrangements, and what helped him heal.

Guest: Janet McMonagle, Communications Director

Host Kristin Kalbli interviews Janet McMonagle about her personal straight spouse story, and the challenges and opportunities the SSN encounters in communicating with the media and journalists about the mission of the SSN and the straight spouse experience.

Guest: Anastasia Gochnour

Kristin Kalbli interviews Anastasia Gochnour about her experience growing up with a closeted father who came out to her as a young teenager. She discusses how her father’s closet, his use of her sister as a secret keeper, and how he handled his coming out impacted her at the time, and how it continues to impact her as an adult.

Guest: Maggie Kneip, Author

Kristin Kalbli interviews Maggie Kneip, a straight spouse whose husband, a high profile journalist in New York City in the early 1990’s, died of AIDS. We talk about her book, Now Everyone Will Know, her experience discovering her husband’s sexuality and his illness, her two decades of silence surrounding her husband’s death, and her efforts to raise awareness about wives whose lives have been impacted by AIDS.

Guest: Dru Vincent

Kristin Kalbli interviews Dru Vincent, a straight spouse whose wife of 18 years abruptly asked for a divorce. After being blindsided by the revelation of his wife’s sexuality, and their subsequent divorce, Dru went from being curled in a ball on his brother’s couch, to slowly rebuilding his life. Dru talks about picking up the pieces through financial devastation, depression, thoughts of suicide, and grief.

In Dru’s words: “Suicide is always a question. It’s never an answer. I think suicidal thoughts are a respite for the horrific sadness that you are going through. I always tell people there was a ‘You’ before there was a ‘You-Two,’ and you gotta find that person again.”

Guest: Kimberly Brooks Mazella, Founder of the Straight Forward Project

Kristin Kalbli interviews Kimberly Brooks Mazella, a straight spouse whose career as a psychotherapist has lead to the founding of her non-profit, the Straight Forward Project. Kim discusses the results of her survey research on Straight Spouses, and how her data, which sheds light onto the straight spouse experience, could eventually be used to help straight spouse heal.

In Kim’s own words: “A person has to be able to hold two competing truths at the same time: on the one hand it is wonderful that our spouses have come out, and if they’re living authentic lives and they’re happy and they’re in relationships – we want that for everybody; we all deserve to live authentic lives. Andthe deceit and the damage that is done to unsuspecting spouses who are married to closeted LGBT folks is real, and it is valid, and it is true. And both of those things co-exist.”

Guest: Dr. Loren A. Olson, Author

Kristin Kalbli interviews Dr. Loren A. Olson, who came out in his 40’s after a 20 year marriage to his wife. Dr. Olson is currently married to his partner of thirty years, and lives in Iowa. His career and research has focused on working with and supporting other gay men and fathers exiting Mixed Orientation Marriages. Recently, he has begun to reach across the divide and connect with straight spouses with empathy and understanding.

In Loren’s own words on reconciliation with his wife: “We decided that we still loved each other, although not in the ways we thought we would. It didn’t come easy, it didn’t come quickly. We chose not to focus on the things we did wrong to each other. We realized we didn’t have to have this pain in our future, in our relationship. It’s not the future that any of us wanted, it’s not the way our lives were laid out for us, but it was a best alternative life, and it’s been very satisfying.”

Guest: Dr. Amity Pierce Buxton

Kristin Kalbli interviews the founder of the Straight Spouse Network, Dr. Amity Pierce Buxton, about her personal straight spouse story, the founding of the peer-to-peer support group for straight spouses, and her hopes for building bridges between straight spouses and the LGBT community.

In Amity’s own words on her outreach within the LGBT community: “[We are] seeking equality so that these marriages won’t occur in the first place. That no gay or lesbian or bi or transgender person thinks they have to marry someone of the opposite gender just to prove that they are normal. The very reason [our LGBT spouses] were closeted in the first place was heterosexism.”