Resources for the LGBT+ Partner

Do you know me?, the email began, sparking tremors of fear that turned into a full quake of panic when William Dameron discovered that his selfie had been stolen by strangers. On social networks and dating sites, his image and identity—a forty-year-old straight white male—had been used to hook countless women into believing in lies of love and romance. Was it all an ironic cosmic joke? Almost a decade prior, William himself had been living a lie that had lasted for more than twenty years. His secret? He was a gay man, a fact he hid from his wife and two daughters for almost as long as he had hidden it from himself. In this emotional and unflinchingly honest memoir of coming out of the closet late in life, owning up to the past, and facing the future, William Dameron confronts steroid addiction, the shame and homophobia of his childhood, the sledgehammer of secrets that slowly tore his marriage apart, and his love for a gay father of three that would once again challenge the boundaries of trust.

Psychiatrist Loren A. Olson has frequently been asked two questions: “How could you not know that you were gay until the age of forty?” and “Wasn’t your marriage just a sham to protect yourself at your wife’s expense?” The author answers these questions by telling the inspiring story of his evolving sexuality, into which he intelligently weaves psychological concepts and gay history. This book is a powerful exploration of human sexuality, particularly the sexuality of mature men who, like Dr. Olson, lived a large part of their lives as straight men—sometimes long after becoming aware of their same-sex attractions. Readers will come to understand topics such as how stigma has created mental health problems for isolated and closeted men, how sexual function changes but perhaps even improves for older men, why conversion therapy does not work and may be harmful, and how to overcome the shame and guilt experienced by men who are sexually attracted to other men.

Ash Beckham is no stranger to hard conversations. In her work, she shares how coming out as a lesbian helped her appreciate our common humanity and better understand the hardships that we all face. This equality advocate mixes personal experience and wisdom to help everyone bravely face their demons. In this touching talk, Ash Beckham offers a fresh approach to empathy and openness. It starts with understanding that everyone, at some point in their life, has experienced hardship. The only way out, says Beckham, is to open the door and step out of your closet.

Like many of us, Molly Wizenberg had long understood sexual orientation as a stable part of ourselves: we’re “born this way.” Suddenly she realized that her story was more complicated. Who was she, she wondered, if something at her very core could change so radically? The Fixed Stars is a taut, electrifying memoir exploring timely and timeless questions about desire, identity, and the limits and possibilities of family. In honest and searing prose, Wizenberg forges a new path: through the murk of separation and divorce, coming out to family and friends, learning to co-parent a young child, and realizing a new vision of love. The result is a frank and moving story about letting go of rigid definitions and ideals that no longer fit, and learning instead who we really are.

A spouse transitioning genders is an experience like no other. In this Solo Showdown Comedy & Solo Performance Workshop, Julie Feinstein Adams brings the heart, the nuance, the complexity and the heartbreak to watching a husband transition into a wife.

Founder of Body Spartan and WWE Superstar, Gabbi Tuft, along with her wife Priscilla Tuft, chronicle Gabbi’s gender transition from male to female.

She’s Not There was one of the first works to present trans experience from the perspective of a literary novelist, opening a door to new understanding of love, sex, gender, and identity. Jennifer Finney Boylan inspired readers to ask the same questions she asked herself: What is it that makes us—ourselves? What does it mean to be a man, or a woman? How much could my husband, or wife, change—and still be recognizable as the one I love? Boylan’s humorous, wise voice helped make She’s Not There the first bestselling work by a transgender American–and transformed Boylan into a national spokeswoman for LGBTQ people, their families, and the people that love them. This updated and revised edition also includes a new epilogue from Jenny’s wife Grace; it also contains the original afterward by her friend, novelist and Pulitzer Prize winner Richard Russo. “Love will prevail,” said Boylan’s conservative mother, as she learned about her daughter’s identity. She’s Not There is the story that helped bring about a world in which that change seems almost possible.

In this thoughtful, tear-jerking, hilarious memoir, Jennifer Finney Boylan asks what it means to be a father, or a mother, and to what extent gender shades our experiences as parents. Through both her own story and incredibly insightful interviews with others, including Richard Russo, Edward Albee, Ann Beattie, Augusten Burroughs, Susan Minot, Trey Ellis, Timothy Kreider, and more, Jenny examines relationships between fathers, mothers, and children; people’s memories of the children they were and the parents they became; and the many different ways a family can be. With an Afterword by Anna Quindlen, Stuck in the Middle with You is a brilliant meditation on raising—and on being—a child.

Morgana Bailey has been hiding her true self for 16 years. In a brave talk, she utters four words that might not seem like a big deal to some, but to her have been paralyzing. Why speak up? Because she’s realized that her silence has personal, professional and societal consequences. In front of an audience of her co-workers, she reflects on what it means to fear the judgment of others, and how it makes us judge ourselves.

Twenty-five years ago, I was barely conscious that the gay world existed. Today, after having been married for more than a decade to a woman and having fathered children who still live with me, I know that I am a gay man. I’ve come out and now identify myself as gay. I decided to write this book because I run into a lot of men who are just like me as I used to be—married to a woman, often with children, and dabbling in having sex with other men. After starting to write this book, I decided to include the stories of women as well, primarily because I noticed that the lesbians I know who had been married to men handled the transition to homosexuality more gracefully and with more integrity than my male friends and I did. The idea for this book occurred to me one night a few years ago at a bar on Pittsburgh’s South Side. I was with four friends. We met there every week to watch Will & Grace. As we drank our beer, I realized that we were five gay men, all divorced from women we had loved, and among us, we had fourteen children. Even though I had met plenty of married men on gay sites on-line, up until that night I had considered myself an anomaly. I had lived life as a heterosexual man and didn’t realize I was gay until after I was married and had children. Before that night at the bar, I had been vaguely aware that my friends and I were meeting a lot of married men—men in straight marriages—in gay bars and other venues in which these supposedly straight men were looking to hook up with other men. That night in the South Side, it hit me that I was not an anomaly. There is something happening in American culture. People are questioning their sexual orientation. They are questioning whether they are who they thought they were. Right then, I decided to write this book. I would write the book I wish I had been able to read years ago when I was married to a woman and had young children and was starting to question whether I might be gay. – Michael Testa, Author

Today I’m sharing a personal story about how I told my then husband I’m gay. – Kelli Crux

This book presents personal stories of discovery and change by women who got married, defied tradition, and came out as lesbians. Drawing from a broad range of cultures and classes, this revealing collection of first-person essays, interviews, and poems offers a glimpse into the lives of such well-known lesbian authors as JoAnn Loulan, Margaret Randall, Margarethe Cammermeyer, Joanna Kadi, Ellen Bass, Joan Larkin, and Minnie Bruce Pratt, as well as emerging writers.