Choosing Gratitude and Hope

Matt is gay, and he had known since he was 10 years old. He had pretended to be straight all those years, through marriage to a woman, his best friend, and four children, until he could no longer lie to his wife Luanne. Matt hoped to overcome his attraction to men through prayer, healing, 12-step programs, reparative therapy, determined to be straight enough, determined to make it work. Luanne hoped their love would be enough to get through it. It eventually became clear that Matt’s sexuality wasn’t going anywhere, and he still felt the guilt and shame. Luanne began to realize she would never have a husband who adored her. “I am not attracted to you. I never was, and I never will be,” he said to her in a moment of heartbreaking honesty. Matt felt guilt for not loving his wife in a way she deserved to be loved, but he couldn’t sustain the mixed orientation marriage in perpetuity. The future looked lonely, and he realized they would both be robbed of intimacy, joy and desire. At what cost? was the question that made them consider divorce. Matt acknowledges that Luanne definitely got the raw end of the deal as Matt goes through the process of “untelling” his lie. Their shifts in perspective allowed them to choose gratitude over regret. – Matt Nightingale and Luanne Nightingale