Guest: Wade Ferris
With candor and vulnerability, Wade Ferris shares his story of learning that his wife of 23 years is a lesbian during the pandemic. A dedicated father and husband, Wade tried for decades to unlock the stalemate and repair the lack of intimacy in his marriage. By his own admission, the disconnect from his wife made him resentful and “not much fun to be around.” He went on a mission to correct everything his wife complained was wrong with him, at last becoming what she called, “the perfect husband.” But, as he soon found out, this was not enough to save their mixed orientation marriage.
Wade is currently writing a book about the straight spouse experience.
A very touching episode and I have every sympathy with Wade for his experience as I do with our other husbands and male partners. I felt very sad for him and am only glad that finally he’s getting out – I hope he gets a fair settlement and that he has a chance for a truly reciprocal romance in his new life. There wasn’t a lot said about the children but I hope they are coping ok with this situation. It’s not easy.
Terribly sad in more ways than one. For me it is sad because of how eerie the similarities between his wife and mine and our respective marriages and sustained rejection, manipulation and emotional “abuse” for want of a better word. And yet, in our case it was me who came out. So, to my knowledge my wife isn’t a Lesbian, but she certainly exhibits almost all of the traits Wade describes (except the infidelity) – and in terrifying detail. I gasped as he described my married life. But I am the Gay one and I did cheat on her. But for almost all of our marriage I was the one going to therapy to fix what she constantly told me was “wrong” with me, and with me striving to be better to avoid her repeated criticisms and accusations of being the grumpy narcissist she told me I am – due to my childhood and family of origin – whom she constantly criticized and forced me to shun. So I wonder if the character of Wade’s wife speaks more to what she is actually like as a person, rather than her sexuality. I am certainly confused by this. Yes. I now know I am gay and that I didn’t know enough about myself when I got married. There were warning signs a mature person should have recognized and owned up to – and yet I didn’t. For that I am deeply sorry and regret in more ways you can imagine, but did the fact my wife married a closeted gay man make her into the sort of projecting soft narcissist that Wade describes. Surely my being gay and my ongoing denial and removal from her of all the relevant facts is not the sole cause of her being a manipulative person who came to our marriage with an MO to gaslight me.
It does take two to tango. Our respective proclivities made our choice for each other inevitable. There is no victim and perpetrator here. There is just a tragic confusion on both sides. No one deserves this, neither the straight spouse nor the gay spouse. While we remain seeing this in simplistic binary good guy – bad guy, villain and saint terms, there can be no healing.
We know from attachment theory that this is how relationships work. It’s a both are helplessly wrong sort of thing, and the very things which attract us to our mate are the same things that trigger the childhood trauma that got us to that point in the first place. The gay thing is undeniably huge, but it is certainly not the only elephant in the room. It is naive to suggest it is. It’s also unfair to cast it in the light of being somehow bigger than other issues both brought to the marriage. This seems especially true when we consider that coming out is not a linear process and that 99% of gay spouses simply didn’t know they were gay when they walked down the aisle. It’s in fact very cynical for the straight spouse to now infer a deliberate long-term deceit,
I would hope the straight spouses take the opportunity to work on why they missed the cues and why they walked into this situation. God knows the gay spouse has had to confront those demons too. I do not know any gay spouse who doesn’t have enormous compassion for their straight spouse and regret for what’s happened.
I feel I identify so closely with Wade. He is my brother in suffering.