Dr. Ben Schilaty, a social work professor and therapist, explains the six stages of coming out, first observed by Dr. Vivienne Cass in the 1970’s, and the experiences of LGBT+ spouses going through these stages. This conversation aims to shed light on the various behaviors straight spouses may witness from their LGBT+ partners, as well as to give context to straight spouses’ experiences as their partners progress through the various stages.
Ben is the author of A Walk In My Shoes: Questions I am Often Asked as a Gay Latter Day Saint and cohosts the podcast “All Out in the Open” with his friend Charlie Bird. He is a cofounder of the Gather Conference which offers Christ-centered support to LGBTQ Latter-day Saints and those who love them.
Website: https://www.benschilaty.com
Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/benschilaty/
Podcast: https://questionsfromthecloset.com
Boy, I sure wish my gay ex husband’s therapist would have included my daughter and I in on some of his therapy sessions. It would have prevented so much hatred and extreme anger. I like what you said about it paving the path for future amicability! Now, we are divorced, perhaps it’s too late? We were married for 24 years!
I believe that this closeted is a form of mental illness that comes with pathological lying and underlying conditions. Many are father issues and timing of coming out. All said the wish I didn’t hurt you doesn’t resonate or matter in their scope. They completely knew all along the trauma they were infusing. It is a reward for their trauma.
Superb episode. Kristin. Your OurPath guide to coming out was very helpful to me. However, if you were to ask my (soon to be) ex wife, she would say I did the worst job possible. But could there ever be a good way to announce what is essentially a tragedy for all our (wife kids and me) lives? The existential challenge that my coming out has caused all of us has profound impacts. And yet, despite the carnage it created – the grenade I threw into the family I cherish – it was the right thing to do. I don’t know one gay man who regrets coming out. Most if not all, go on to thrive. And things a big thing to say because many of us still have children who continue to shun us and we mourn for many broken cherished relationships left right and centre. But despite the carnage, none of us regret… that might be something the straight spouse should reflect upon. Why would we do this if it is just SO costly????why don’t we regret it? The truth is that we MUST come out. It shows the depth of our previous unhappiness and how unsustainable our life of self-deception was. But also remember that NOT one of us remains unscarred. Not a one of us doesn’t deeply regret and feel shame for the harm we inadvertently caused, and yet it was still all worth it? I know hardly any ex-closeted men who when closeted didn’t suffer depression and had suicidal thoughts. For me, and many like me, coming out was simply a matter of survival. This doesn’t reflect of the straight spouses. They weren’t the problem, they were simply caught up. But it also doesn’t mean the straight spouses are without need to admit a few things. The tragedy is that I firmly believe now my wife married me because of a set of her own issues, the two of us deserved each other. We chose each other in good faith. But our marriage was the intersection of our own separate pathologies. What would be a tragedy now is if my straight spouse doesn’t take this as a opportunity to reflect on what it was that enabled her to stumble into this. God knows every gay spouse has done that reflection. God knows that gay spouse has spent years on his knees bargaining with God to take it away, to change it. A secret that we would rather have died than admit to anyone, let alone ourselves. I would never wish such an existential crisis on anyone, so painful an experience it is. But I wonder that if straight people did, they might have more compassion.