Perhaps you have found evidence of your partner’s same-sex attraction (SSA) or interest in dressing/living as the opposite sex/gender. Suspecting a partner may be LGBT+ and receiving true disclosure from an LGBT+ Partner are two different experiences. Not knowing a partner’s LGBT+ identity, or an LGBT+ partner’s denial of their authentic identity, can cause severe distress and confusion. Although some websites and books provide checklists for discerning if your spouse is LGBT+, sexual orientation and gender identity are often complicated, highly subjective, and dependent on the individual(s). At best, these resources can lead you to ask helpful questions of yourself and your partner.

Clandestine investigation (such as employing a private investigator, searching mobile phones or using spyware) can lead to more confusion, and animosity, so proceed with caution and check the applicable laws. Instead, OurPath recommends asking thoughtful, honest questions in transparent ways. Couple’s therapy can be a good arena in which to do this, especially if safety is a concern. With that said, be aware that you may never get confirmation of your partner’s LGBT+ identity/status. You may need to be prepared to make decisions based on partial information.