After a good 25 year marital run, and as each of their three kids started heading off to college, Allison noticed a change in her husband’s behavior. A wilting, if you will. At around the 27 year mark, she started asking questions (no answers) until a final confrontation ended in him asking for a separation. Two weeks later, Allison discovered his same-sex relationship. As her therapist said at the time, “And suddenly it all clicks.” Indeed.
Besides therapy, it was the OurPath’s OurVoices Podcast that pulled Allison out of that dark hole. She believes the organization offers a tremendous lifeline to those in our shoes and wants to help expand its reach and impact.
Allison’s divorce was final in October of 2021. She is an operations professional living in the city of Chicago. She is enjoying her new life there with her adult kids nearby and all the rich distractions city-living has to offer them. She writes and plays soccer in her free time.
Podcast Producer
Kristin Kalbli
Kristen is the producer and host of the Voices podcast for OurPath. She interviews Straight Partners and Partners of Trans People with the intention of providing a platform to use their voices, tell their stories, and heal. She is a firm believer that there is no single “right” way to navigate the experience of discovery or disclosure. Providing options and diverse models for healing is key to her ethos as a podcaster.
Kristin Kalbli is a voice actor, audiobook narrator, podcast host and producer, and theater director. Kristin was divorced from her husband for 8 years when she found out she was actually a Straight Partner. Her ex-husband’s second wife contacted her to tell her he had finally come out, and that they were now getting a divorce. Kristin finally understood the years of confusion, lack of intimacy and stalemate in her marriage, which was a byproduct of her husband’s denial. Finally having the real truth, Kristin was able to heal from her traumatic marriage and divorce.
Kristin is currently writing her memoir of her marriage, divorce and recovery, The Mercy Fake, which she hopes to publish in the near future.
IT Manager
Dara Donelson
Dara first contacted OurPath for support over 14 years ago and discovered that her situation was not unique. She credits the personal interaction with other Straight Partners as a pivotal moment in her life that allowed her to help her family transition to a healthier new normal. Along the way she took a new career working in the online space, and comes to OurPath with over nine years of experience providing solutions that integrate web sites and related online applications.
Dara’s focus is to help the organization apply today’s technology to support the OurPath team as they face the challenge of serving Straight Partners and Partners of Trans People in numbers that rise each year. She strongly believes that every minute a volunteer can reach out and help a struggling Straight Partner instead of doing time-consuming tasks that smart processing can accomplish is a minute worth pursuing.
Triage Team Member
Charlotte Osa
Charlotte was married for 33 years when her husband came out to her and her two grown children as bisexual after passing out in a gay bathhouse. Because he said he was no longer interested in frequenting them and promised fidelity, Charlotte decided to stay married. Two years later (2013) he died in a bathhouse.
Charlotte is active with OurPath because of all the help she received after her husband died. Just knowing that other people shared her experience of deception and feelings about it was essential. She continues to devour books, articles, podcasts (thank you, Kristin Kalbli), and Facebook postings on the Straight Partner experience, as well as information about closeted spouses. She has been discovering that not only did her spouse deceive her, she deceived herself, denying the myriad clues. She knows that though everyone’s experience is different, we have many things in common; understanding one’s own experience helps to understand that of others.
Charlotte has been holding a face-to-face group in Los Angeles for the past couple of years, and recently started virtual meetings for those who cannot make it to face-to-face groups. She considers her ability to listen and empathize, as well as her drive to become educated about Straight Partners, Partners of Trans People, closeted LGBT people and the transgender experience to be her primary skill sets. This helps her to see the big picture and participate in setting direction for the organization.
Charlotte retired in May 2021 from her position as a software engineer with healthcare applications.
Volunteer Program Manager
Donna Linn
Donna Linn has been a Straight Partner since 2017 when her husband disclosed on their 27th wedding anniversary that he was a gay man. Donna lives in Orange County, CA and has been very active in the support group meetings there. Donna states that her OurPath support group has guided her through uncharted waters and it felt like a bright light when her world was becoming so dark.
Donna has her BA in Sociology, she holds a teaching credential and a real estate license. She recently retired from 40 years of service with the government in a role where she helped oversee and ensure compliance to policies and practices. Now retired, she spends her time enjoying her four grandkids.
Helping others has always been a passion of hers and now she realizes that helping others who are traveling through the same journey is where she’s meant to be!
Online Groups Manager
Mary Freeman
Mary discovered she was a Straight Partner in 2011. At first, she could not imagine a life outside of marriage and the work she and her husband did together in church ministry. But with the support of OurPath (then the Straight Spouse Network), she embraced new dreams, learned new coping skills, and found the strength to face all the challenges that are part of a profound transition.
That experience has given her a strong desire to offer others the same support. Mary has a passion for community building. She knows it is life changing for group members to know they are not alone, that their voices will be heard and valued. She believes it is vital to create environments where members can encourage each other, can feel empowered and choose the best way to move forward in their individual situations.
Mary’s professional background is in education. She has extensive experience in volunteer work with churches, schools, and in the Straight Partner support community. She brings skills in organizing, communication, and conflict resolution.
Sam’s wife came out suddenly in the fall of 2000. He never saw it coming. After three months of wandering around in shock, he found OurPath on Christmas Day 2000. The next several years of communication and support literally saved his life, and he was able to move forward. After the shock and pain abated, he resolved to give back.
Sam attended gatherings and was active in online and local support group meetings, and eventually decided to become a volunteer – first as a Support Contact, then as a Group Leader, and finally a Board member for two terms. He served as Board President from 2007-2009, and left the board in 2011 when his term limit expired. He has since rejoined the board and now serves as its Vice President.
Sam is an engineer and brings to the board problem solving skills and a passion to support others who are in the position he was when he first found the organization. He founded and configured the organization’s Open Forum, and continues to serve as an Admin and Moderator. Sam is a life member of an engineering professional society. He has since remarried and has two grown children.
Board Secretary
Charlotte Osa
Charlotte was married for 33 years when her husband came out to her and her two grown children as bisexual after passing out in a gay bathhouse. Because he said he was no longer interested in frequenting them and promised fidelity, Charlotte decided to stay married. Two years later (2013) he died in a bathhouse.
Charlotte is active with OurPath because of all the help she received after her husband died. Just knowing that other people shared her experience of deception and feelings about it was essential. She continues to devour books, articles, podcasts (thank you, Kristin Kalbli), and Facebook postings on the Straight Partner experience, as well as information about closeted spouses. She has been discovering that not only did her spouse deceive her, she deceived herself, denying the myriad clues. She knows that though everyone’s experience is different, we have many things in common; understanding one’s own experience helps to understand that of others.
Charlotte has been holding a face-to-face group in Los Angeles for the past couple of years, and recently started virtual meetings for those who cannot make it to face-to-face groups. She considers her ability to listen and empathize, as well as her drive to become educated about Straight Partners, Partners of Trans People, closeted LGBT people and the transgender experience to be her primary skill sets. This helps her to see the big picture and participate in setting direction for the organization.
Charlotte retired in May 2021 from her position as a software engineer with healthcare applications.
Board Member at Large
Allison Joy
After a good 25 year marital run, and as each of their three kids started heading off to college, Allison noticed a change in her husband’s behavior. A wilting, if you will. At around the 27 year mark, she started asking questions (no answers) until a final confrontation ended in him asking for a separation. Two weeks later, Allison discovered his same-sex relationship. As her therapist said at the time, “And suddenly it all clicks.” Indeed.
Besides therapy, it was the OurPath’s OurVoices Podcast that pulled Allison out of that dark hole. She believes the organization offers a tremendous lifeline to those in our shoes and wants to help expand its reach and impact.
Allison’s divorce was final in October of 2021. She is an operations professional living in the city of Chicago. She is enjoying her new life there with her adult kids nearby and all the rich distractions city-living has to offer them. She writes and plays soccer in her free time.
Back in 1998, Bob’s wife told him she was a lesbian and that she felt the only healthy thing to do was to get a divorce. He felt like the only person this had ever happened to. He started attending a PFLAG outreach group for Mixed Orientation Couples.
Then he met Amity Buxton, the founder of OurPath (then the Straight Spouse Network or SSN). She came to Houston to attend a workshop hosted by Bob’s PFLAG group. He felt honored when Amity Buxton approached and said, “So, you are Bob!” That was the beginning of his journey with OurPath/SSN.
Bob met so many people over the next few years in meetings and online groups (which were little more than Internet chat rooms back then!). He learned to love each group member for their vulnerability, strength, and wisdom. Each new member had received similar news to Bob in the form of disclosure or discovery, and he related to the life crisis it was for each of them. Group members relied on each other for a glimpse of a new life to come.
The group became known as “Out Together.” After Bob attended nearly all of the weekly PFLAG meetings for 3 years, he volunteered to be the Houston SSN Group Leader. He still remembers how it felt when he discovered his wife was gay, and he felt like he needed to be there for the next person.
Today the Houston group is still going! It is an informal group and always focuses on the new people who are in crisis. No one has to speak if they don’t want to. Sometimes all newbies can do is just come and listen to the discussion. It can be enough just to know they are not alone.
Wonderful relationships grew from those early days and the once tiny group of eight has grown to host the Houston Gathering and a weekly Zoom meeting focusing on partner support in Texas and South America. The group has welcomed on average one new member every month since inception.
Support Contact
Candice Fleszar Smith
Candice was led to OurPath in 2010 by her husband, who had just come out to her as gay. She and her husband have rebuilt a strong friendship, and both worked with honesty through the difficulties of their changing lives. They remain legally married and live in the same house as roommates, adjusting to life as necessary. They each date outside the marriage. In their Mixed Orientation Marriage, they focus on co-parenting their four daughters, some of whom identify as LGBT+.
Candice led a support group in Michigan for several years, where she encouraged her members to process their emotions, especially anger, in a healthy way. She is currently a Support Contact for Straight Partners and Partners of Trans People, as well as LGBT+ persons who reach out to OurPath seeking support for themselves or their partner. She often helps closeted partners come out to their Straight Partners, helps them better understand the Straight Partner perspective, and encourages a whole-family approach to living through this life crisis. She believes that all family members, including children, need support to move forward. When possible, she takes those opportunities with closeted spouses to connect their Straight Partners with local support. Candice is also a member of OurPath’s Board of Directors.
Candice has found continued healing in her own life by helping others through their traumatic situations.
Her professional background includes decades of media, international public relations, communications, branding and, more recently, award-winning tourism through her company, Tours Around Michigan.
Support Contact
Gisele Biron
Gisele reached out to OurPath in 2010 after her husband of 29 years met the man of his dreams. By reading several recommended books, she was able to learn more about Mixed Orientation Relationships. Once she was able to understand what was happening and that she was not alone, she was able to start processing her feelings. In fact, her ex-husband’s new boyfriend is the one who told her about OurPath after his own wife found it to be very supportive. She would never have guessed there was an organization to support people like her, let alone that she would need it!
Once Gisele was further along on her journey of acceptance and healing, she wanted to give back and be there for others who might be experiencing the same loneliness. When her husband came out, she felt very isolated, confused, and like no one understood what she was feeling. She has been there, so she understands. Her role is to be supportive of others who are starting this journey and accompany them on their unique path forward. No Straight Partner or Partner of a Trans Person should go through this experience alone. Having volunteered for OurPath for 5+ years, she has listened to, emailed, talked, and met face-to-face with many other Straight Partners. The feelings Straight Partners experience are similar even though the stories are deeply personal and varied. It is by listening and allowing the member to have the freedom and safety to share openly that allows the acceptance and healing to begin. Gisele offers her contacts hope that there is a happy life waiting for them, and that happiness is not only possible but also can be very freeing.
Support Contact
Jeanne Shaffer
Jeanne married her high school sweetheart, unaware of his secret life. After 14 years of marriage, she hired a detective, thinking it would prove he was being unfaithful with a female coworker. Instead, the detective found that her husband was having sex with men in their home while she was at work.
“I couldn’t believe the evidence I was seeing with my own eyes. I was in shock and denial, and I struggled to make sense of years of lies.”
Jeanne found OurPath (then the Straight Spouse Network) and reached out to a support group. “The other group members were always there to talk me off the cliff!” It was such a lonely time for Jeanne. “No one knew, not even my children, so I didn’t have anyone else to share my experiences with except other OurPath members.”
She decided to volunteer for OurPath because she wanted to help other Straight Partners who found themselves in the same situation she was once in.
Jeanne helps members by contacting them right away and letting them know they are not alone. She listens and helps them talk through their current emotions and experiences, and tries to leave them feeling better by the end of the call. “I encourage them to attend group meetings and reach out to me. And I attend the local group meetings with them to break the ice and introduce them. It’s important that they know we are in this together.”
Group Leader
Louis Dean
Louis found OurPath in early 2012, about 6 months after he discovered that his wife was a lesbian. He and his now ex-wife divorced in 2013 and are co-parenting two children. Although the initial weeks and months after their marriage ended were highly difficult, Louis credits OurPath’s local support groups with helping him survive what was the most personally traumatic and dangerous experience of his life.
Louis has been a Group Leader for a support group in Central Florida for two years. He reaches out to people who come to OurPath for support and understanding. When many people discover their spouses or partners are not straight, they experience trauma and grief that are unique and very difficult. Louis and the other members of the Central Florida group try to walk together through this difficult time with truth and compassion. Louis also helps OurPath’s Volunteer Recruiting Group with interviewing and vetting volunteer applicants.
Louis has found that helping others through similar circumstances gives him a positive way to continue to heal and to give back to the community that was so helpful to him.
Louis’ professional background includes project management and systems engineering. He developed Remote Sensing and Mapping systems for Federal and other local and international government clients. More recently he has held various positions in sales and business development. He currently lives in Ocala, Florida.
Support Contact
Rusty Ruth
Rusty is a survivor. If anyone had told her three and a half years ago that she was married to a gay man for 34 years, she would not have believed them! But at the end of a perfect Thanksgiving weekend, he finally told Rusty the truth. Shock, heartache, and many, many tears followed. “I was ready to retire with the man I loved. How could I face this unbelievable disclosure?”
OurPath (formerly the Straight Spouse Network) became her lifeline. She was put in touch with a Support Contact in her area who had already lived the life she was about to embark on. She immersed herself in links, literature, videos and podcasts to help her make sense of what had just happened.
“I joined an OurPath support group not knowing if they’d be able to understand my marriage, family and new situation. I was so wrong. The group got me and the journey I was now on. I had to go through the stages of grief, face a divorce, find my own home, and find a new life in the midst of a pandemic as my 70th birthday arrived.”
Rusty realized she wanted to give back for the support given her in her darkest hours. Becoming a Support Contact was the next step on her journey.
As a Support Contact, Rusty hopes to provide a lifeline of support that is desperately needed when someone learns their partner’s authentic sexual orientation. She believes that only those who have experienced a disclosure or discovery can best understand the pain, disillusionment and deception experienced in some Mixed Orientation Marriages. Listening, respecting, validating another’s experience in this muddle of confusion is vital. “I am living proof that you will survive this. It will take time to heal, with ups and downs along the way, but your life can and will be richer and better down the road.”
