Filmmaker Vaishnavi Sundar discusses her recently released documentary: Behind the Looking Glass, which delves into the lives and experiences of women whose partners have, or want to, transition. With voices from women worldwide, this film is the first of its kind. Today’s conversation touches on pornography, coercive control, emotional, financial and sexual abuse that for some women, coincide with their husbands identifying as trans.
Vaishnavi is a writer and a self-taught filmmaker from Chennai, India. Through her films, she advocates for the rights of women and girls worldwide. A decade ago she founded Lime Soda Films with the aim of highlighting themes of social justice, women’s empowerment and education. She is the Founder of Women Making Films (WMF) – a platform for female filmmakers to collaborate and create works of art, and has had the privilege of hosting the work of members from more than 20 countries.
Behind the Looking Glass film: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Frffv2sB8zE
Website: https://limesodafilms.com
Twitter/X: @LimeSodaFilms
Brilliant movie and excelent interview!
Vaishnavi Sundar is a great support for all of us in Behind the Looking Glass. She didn’t shy away from the fact that so many of these men become aggressive and violent to his wife and the children he fathered. The complicity of the mental health field in gaslighting the wives of men who conduct covert crossdressing lives is astounding, though no longer surprising to trans widows with many years out of this. The new term, Identity-Based Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder (Dr. Elliot Kaminetsky) fits the psychiatric malady so much better than the narrative of “born in the wrong body.”
Vaishnavi is inspirational, no one else gave me a voice and I am forever grateful to her.
As a member of Our Path with a trans spouse, I feel extremely fortunate to have a spouse who has never abused me and respects my boundaries. My spouse sound like a saint compared to the trans people that are being described in this podcast. If I want to divorce someone, I’m able to do that in my country and state, regardless of someone’s gender. I acknowledge that my experience is not necessarily everyone else’s and I acknowledge that some of my counterparts have experienced abuse. No one of any gender identity deserves abuse and no one of any gender identity should be allowed to abuse someone else. Consent is important in all relationships. My concern is that some of the messages in this episode could invalidate a trans person’s existence and say they are only doing it because of some depraved sexual tendencies. This is not a universal truth. I also completely disagree that trans women are rewarded for coming out. Trans women are one of the most hated groups in the world for lots of reasons. I know my spouse didn’t choose this, just as a gay person didn’t choose to be gay. Trans men are invisible because on the surface level, those taking testosterone are indistinguishable from someone born male. Its much easier to “blend in” whereas it is much more difficult to transition from male to female. Trans men are also less of a target because cis men aren’t concerned that they might accidentally think a trans man is attractive or go on a date with them and be worried that they will be perceived as gay. I feel for the spouses that have been abused and hope they are able to find help and get out of their situation. Trans identity is such a complicated thing and finding out that I am married to a trans person is confusing and painful but I could never say all trans people are deviants like the film maker seems to be suggesting. This gives rise to more violence and discrimination. I do believe our stories as spouses should be listened to because they matter.
Both the podcast and documentary are award-winning in quality. And while we haven’t all experienced physical abuse when our partners came out as trans, most straight spouses have experienced some level of psychological violence. Or at the very least had to cope with the torment of cognitive dissonance. Bravo to all women who are brave enough to share what’s hard for many to hear. And thank you Our Path and Vaishnavi for opening access to media and safe spaces where stories of vulnerability can be shared.