It Hurts I was Never the One
By Anonymous Husband
I sit here thinking, “is my life over? Why did this have to happen?” I met this person and I thought I was her everything. I fought and she fought so hard to work through the bad times to make it work and stay together. It wasn’t always easy but we did it.
Now, thirteen years later, I sit here with a problem that can’t be worked through. It doesn’t matter how hard I try or what I do. This situation will not change. There are no more promises “I will change the way I act.” No more promises “I will work harder.” No more promises “I will do better.” No more promises that “we can work through it.” I have met the end of the road and it is so hard. I couldn’t have ever imagined this day would come, not like this at least.
It is crazy to spend the first part of your life trying to find the one that completes you in every way. I felt like I was one of the lucky ones to have found that. I found this woman that was everything I wasn’t. She was strong when I was not. She was there when I needed it the most. She was stable when I wasn’t. She loved me when I probably didn’t deserve it.
I love her for who she was and who she is today. It just hurts because you never want to hear you are not the one and never were. It hurts when you feel that person is the one for you. It hurts when you love someone and they have felt like they had to live a lie for everyone else. It hurts that this life you have built was a lie. It hurts that I cannot do anything to change it. It hurts that I cannot imagine a life without her in the way I want her. It hurts that I feel alone. It hurts that she hurts. It hurts that I feel lost and confused. It hurts that I imagined us growing old together. It hurts that I feel like I was never wanted. It hurts that I feel I will never find a love like this again. It hurts that every good intimate time we had was only one sided. It hurts to worry about her. It hurts that my heart is broken. It hurts because I feel like a fool. It hurts that I have lied to myself for so many years. It hurts that I feel I can never move on. It hurts that I was truly never the one.
But what probably hurts the most is that I just wasn’t the one for her, ever. I was never the one. I was never the one. I was never the one. Man it hurts that I was never the one.
Very poignant-,I hope one day you can be the one for someone new and that she will be your one and show you exactly what it’s like to be fully appreciated as a straight man – don’t give up hope for that!
Thank you. How many of us could have written those same words? And: It hurts that he knew. It hurts that I didn’t. It hurts that he lied. It hurts that I didn’t know.
The pain is real. The disappointed is real. I have (had) my person. Now I don’t, not in the way that I want, not in the way I believed.
“It hurt that i feel that i was never wanted”😭
Brother your words, thoughts and emotions could have been mine 20 years ago. I will tell you from first hand experience; it gets better. It will. If I have any suggestions it would be keep moving forward. You are worthy of love and honesty. It’s out there.
Same words are on my heart 2 years later. I hope we find the peace we deserve because we deserve it. You’re strong for sharing and I appreciate the hell out of you for it.
I can identify with this. I spent much of my younger years trying to find “the one”. The hurt that we feel because it turns out we were not “the one” for them after decades and kids later is like getting hit by a bus. Its a deep dark secret, a memo we didnt get.
All I can say is I’m glad to be away from my “one” as she was so quick to dish out hurt. If I put aside the gay all I can see is how quick she was to hurt me and I just took it as I loved her so much. No… I do not think someone is supposed to hurt someone so much if they love them.
At least I can look back and say I treated her with love and kindness as my “one”.
Wow…beautifully written. I can completely empathize. I am married 35 years to the same man
this October and we are now separating. I know it is for the best, but it doesn’t take away the pain that no matter what I did or who I was, was never ever going to be enough. Three adult daughters, three incredible grandbabies so far and now, what I envisioned forever to look like is over. I am relieved in a way. But, not at the same time. I am so sorry you are struggling. My thoughts and prayers are with you!
I can relate to this man. Me and my wife are getting a divorce after 14 years of marriage. Me personally are done. I would rather be alone for the rest of my life than go through this hurt again. Love is not for everyone.
I know your pain. I am married at the moment working through exactly what to do. We have been married for 46 years, have grown children and grandchildren. ,Feeling like you were never wanted is the hardest part. I feel like I played some type of role to let him to make him look better. He was a minister in the South.
After 35 years of marriage, I found myself alone. Three years previous to that I heard those words, “I will always love you, but just not in the way I thought.” I never dreamed anything like this would happen to me. Like you, I found that this situation was not fixable. There was nothing I could do to change this. The only route to take was divorce. I had always thought my ex-husband was the one and only for me. The pastor who married us said, “Now there’s a marriage that will last.” My ex-husband knew all these years, but I didn’t have a clue. Our grown sons had no idea. His entire family did not know. He was a master at lying. And, yes, it hurts so much to know I was never the one. Thank you for sharing. I hope you have been able to move on. I am working on it, but it’s been a slow process.
27 years,looking back I saw signs along the way.relationships I didn’t know about,but finally the right one came along .she left and came back four times over eight months.the last eight months were hell, odd thing is, she has mental problems,emotionally immature, no empathy, paranoid, but also has terrible health, glaucoma, overweight, plates in foot did not fuse together, limps with bad pain and always sick.needs constant care, unable to work.left me like this, no money, no transportation, completely dependent on a woman who is gay but says she doesn’t feel attracted to my wife in that way.been gone six weeks and I grieve with a grain of hope she comes back .it’s like a gay sick child has run away from home.damndest thing I’ve ever seen.while I and all her family sit here and suffer .what is it about this gay thing that drives people to leave their loved ones and even their own children.cant they control themselves enough to live with it.i could after 27 years.unbelieveable, this is inhuman.only we who have been thru this horror could ever know.we are left scarred for life with hearts that will never get over this.in an eternal state of unbelief.
Every word of this is what I’m feeling right now. Thank you for writing it.
It’s just DEMONIC! To be married and give this person your the best years of your life….to wake up one day to find out they never loved you and that they are gay. Many of us never get closure. Many go onto do this crap to other people after divorce because they are selfish soulless evil people who don’t care about the pain they caused. My husband actually told me “I thought you were gonna die…I was counting on it”. I have an illness called Lupus. His gaslighting and crazy making shit almost killed me. All of us going through this have a lifetime of PTSD.
My husband always called me ‘his person.’ He told me I was his soul mate, the only one who understood him. Now I can’t understand anything at all. Your words hit me deeply. I feel like I was never enough. That I always wanted him more than he wanted me.
“I will always love you, but just not in the way I thought.” Ouch. I can already hear him saying this.